Can we really be surprised that so many people, especially
parents with full-time jobs, wish they could just fast-forward to January, when
they are being honest with themselves?
The good news: there is a way out of the madness! You need to solve these three problems:
Ø
You’re not paying complete attention to work
when you’re at work.
Ø
You’re not paying complete attention to your
family and/or your personal needs for joy and magic when you aren’t at
work. Exacerbated by not having enough
hours for your non-work life.
Ø
You’re spending too much money.
Let’s take them in turn:
You’re not paying complete
attention to work when you’re at work.
Yes, I know that you think you are.
But if you are not giving your children, your spouse and your desire to
enjoy this special time of the year its due, those concerns will leak into your
work time and you will be constantly fighting distraction. Or the guilt at your long hours when you know
that your family really wants to share this time with you will take up
cognitive bandwidth, even when you’re not aware of it. Or you’re shopping online when you need your
cognitive resources 100% focused on the supply-chain problem. So you can solve this problem by solving problem
#2, right? Let’s do that.
You’re not paying complete
attention to your family and/or your personal needs for joy and magic when you
aren’t at work. This is exacerbated by
not having enough hours for your non-work life. Your kids need your undivided attention in
order to thrive. Your spouse needs to
know that s/he is undisputed #1 in your life.
Full stop. If you want to live a
long and happy life, have kids who cry buckets at your funeral and a spouse who
sustains you for a half century of adult life with his/her unvarnished
appreciation and adoration, you need to deserve that. Full stop.
Kids remember these holidays. You
can’t buy them off with toys and other “stuff,” not in the long run. They might get all excited about the stuff,
but what will keep them away from drugs, early sex and general life stupidity
is the strength of their connection to you.
Your spouse needs your help in cutting down the workload, firming
placing 90% of the obligations in the No pile.
S/he needs you 100% emotionally present in the evenings, for the joys of
decorating the house, making desserts, writing a yearly holiday letter. S/he needs your 100% emotional presence as
you explore a new light show, or visit an ethnic holiday you know nothing
about, or do a service project together.
The end of year holidays are about love, about family, about goodness
and generosity and caring for others.
They are about joy. You, my
friend, need joy. You need to sit your
kids down and tell them about holidays when you were a child. You all need a dose of magic, as much as you
need to step away from consumerism.
If you are truly present when you’re not working, you can
pour it on 100% when you are working., and head home at a reasonable hour. And by that, I mean no later than 6 PM. Don’t even think about trying to negotiate
this. If you are 100% focused, you can
get a reasonable amount of progress every day toward your organizational
goals. Do it, and then leave,
guilt-free.
You’re spending too
much money. There are so many
reasons why your spouse deserves your undivided attention during your non-working
hours, and one reason is that when your spouse has what s/he needs from the
love of their life, they will be more amenable to walking away from the Shoulds
that generate too much spending.
Ø
Gift only children. Buy them educational toys. No gadgets, unless
it’s a group gift from several families.
Ø
Or have a Pick a Name Out of the Hat at
Thanksgiving.
Ø
Or create things. I crochet while I’m relaxing with
videos. You might have talents at baking
or crafting or building. Sometimes I
inflict my art on people. They can throw
it out and re-use the frame, I don’t care; having them know that I love them matters.
Unless you have more money than the Queen of England, you
are probably spending too much. You need
much more money for retirement than you think you do. Your kids need some seed money for
college. The animal welfare groups need
a big donation. The polar bears are drowning
and the planet needs saving. These
things matter. You can deal with selfish
people trying to guilt-trip you into shopping now much more easily than you can
deal with an unhappy retired life or kids with crippling education debts.
Work with your spouse on an announcement to both families about
your firm commitment to reserving the holidays for love and service
projects. Write a heartfelt letter about
teaching your kids the value of sharing and caring, including creating small
and meaningful gifts. Wrap one or at
most two nice educational gifts for your kids under your own tree or other
symbolic object. Whether you are
pre-parenting, post-parenting or non-parenting, the same rules apply.
All the holidays are about Light – the Light of wisdom, the Light
of love, and the Light of joy. They all
dispel the darkness. Focus on wisdom,
love and joy, and don’t confuse them with “stuff.”
So you see the
solution! When you fix the “time-at-home”
problem and the spending problem, you automatically resolve the distractions
that are keeping you from career success in November and December. When you fix the “focus on work, then come
home” problem, you automatically resolve the deprivation that you are
inflicting on yourself, your vulnerable children and your spouse. Life isn’t linear. It’s a web, in which the solution to one part
of the web relies on progress elsewhere.
You deserve to excel
at work this holiday. And you deserve
excellence in your spouse, parent and human being roles as well. You can do it! Let the Light shine!
