New year's Resolutions 3: Limiting Beliefs?

So many of us are capable of much, much more than we ever try to accomplish.  It isn’t the barriers in external reality that hold us back.  Oh, we see barriers all right.  And some of them are very real.  Yet many of them are not.  One of the deepest oppressions of all comes when the oppressed are so brain-washed by their oppressors that they don’t even try to rise up out of the mire.  The prisons are created in our minds.

We know what we really want from our lives, if we get mentally quiet and listen to our souls speak.  That’s why every coach, every consultant, every religious community has a meditation or quiet prayer tradition.  We need to still the chatter so we can know what our soul really wants.  [Hypnotherapy is REALLY good at this. A reiki Guided Journey is almost as good.  Victoria.leo.reiki@gmail.com or www.soaringdragon.biz for a FREE Getting Unstuck session.]  Sometimes these desires are holdovers from incomplete childish dreams and need more refinement to serve our adult needs. 

Nearly all of us have some limiting beliefs that are NOT truth, and that are holding us back.  Maybe you’d like to try entrepreneurship but are convinced you’ll fail.  You may believe that you can’t go back to school for a new degree that will guarantee a promotion or don’t deserve a really outstandingly loving spouse.  We walk around with hundreds of beliefs filling our minds every day, some of which tell us that we are bound to fail, that we aren’t good, kind and wise, that we aren’t worth people loving us enough to get mad at us.  We settle for half-lives because our earlier experiences have taught us that no one cares about us.  It’s easier to smother our sadness with food because we don’t believe that we deserve to be healed and strong and well and wonderful.  But we do and we are.  Working with a coach, hypnotherapist or other type of really skilled mental health specialist can, if we are willing to do a lot of really hard and courageous work, transform us in ways we can scarcely imagine, into people that we only dream about.

The danger of seeing limiting beliefs as a problem is that sometimes people get so thrilled at the concept of Limiting Beliefs that they forget that some beliefs are actually Truth.  We humans like a good story, and there’s nothing more enticing than the story that the ONLY reason we can’t do absolutely anything at all we want to do is a belief that we can’t.  You can get so mesmerized by the story that you tune out your analytical brain entirely.  A big mistake.  I don’t just have a belief that I can’t climb Mount Rainier.  It’s an actual fact.  Earlier in my life, yup.  This year?  Nope.  I’ve gotten myself into the physical shape that I can, and more “pushing” just leads to injuries.  I have what I have and I am enjoying myself immensely with what I’ve got.

The major way to tell the difference between Truth and a Limiting Belief is that wisdom always whispers.  Your limbic system is always urgent.  Don't listen to the emotions of urgency....

I hear so much dopey stuff from my coach colleagues.  If someone tells you that you have to quit your job immediately to prove that you have a real belief, passion or commitment to entrepreneurship, for example, take a deep breath and listen to your internal wisdom, not your jazzed up limbic system.  It’s very wise to test the waters with a new idea while you keep your cash flowing.  Business success needs hard work and belief, and it also needs to be serving a burning need felt by people who have money to solve that need.  People who get too deeply into the It’s All Belief camp can forget that market economies work in accordance with immutable rules and one of them is that passion is not a substitute for carefully crafted products, very clever marketing and the right channels.   You may have some real physical limitations that you can work around effectively if you don’t try to pretend they don’t exist. 

So do all the courageous work that needs doing to clear out old damage and beliefs that limit your real potential – which is enormous!  Find those beliefs that represent wisdom and truth and hold on to them, and let go of everything else that shackles you from your enormous power to be brave and compassionate in the world. 

When you clear out limiting beliefs, you can soar with dragons!  Come join me in the sky!

New Year Resolutions 2: What Do I Focus On?

Resolutions 2: What Shall I Focus on?

Study yourselves; and most of all note well
Wherein kind Nature meant you to excel.
Not every blossom ripens into fruit.

Amen.  

When it comes to the character virtues of good listening, good will and good heart, we are all equally capable of excelling.  Not so with all the other characteristics.

There has been a lively debate among researchers and also among us average Joes and Jills about what to focus our self-improvement energy on.  When I was a kid, the focus was all on removing or ameliorating one’s weaknesses.  We studied ourselves to find our weaknesses and then added education or training to our To Do list and we got rid of it.  It’s a good plan.  Celine Dion couldn’t make it as a singing mega-star until she had elocution lessons and plastic surgery.  Reality is what it is and women are judged on their appearance before anything else.  Consider the mean tweets about Carrie Fisher’s appropriately-aged face this week.  So removing barriers is always a good idea.

The 21^st century spawned the Strengths movement, specifically to counteract the all-pervasive search for defects, and that has merit as well.  As Longfellow’s quote shows, this isn’t a new idea. There is a great deal of value in knowing what you are already good at or naturally good at, and focusing on that.  Polishing your gemstone so it gleams even more brightly.  There is some evidence to support this as a strategy, in that hiring managers and potential spouses over-focus on one’s shining points if you dazzle the eyes with them.

The dilemma is succinctly explained in the last line of the poem fragment: not every blossom will ripen into a fruit and you only have 18 usable hours every day, less if you exercise and you will exercise, right?  [If you don’t exercise every day, and you have $20 in your pocket – you know you do – click and start changing your internal landscape now! https://zparkl.com/course/about/transform-your-relationship-with-exercise/  ]

So what shall I spend my precious time on: fix it or get better at what I already do well?  Fixing things, if they are barriers like Dion’s, can give you a big bang for your buck.  Better organizing of paperwork?  Probably not, but it might significantly lower your stress at the office and give you more time to ride a bike or do yoga or paint.  If I focus on what I know I am good at, I will have a thrill of victory as I climb higher and higher on a path that I am already halfway to Denali’s peak on.  There are pros and cons no matter what you choose.

For me, it’s still fix-it.  Healing what needs healing, growing in virtues, and making time for the creative activities that feed my soul, that’s where it’s at for me.    

New Year's Resolutions 1: Your Burdens, My Burdens

 If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough….. Henry W. Longfellow

I am a big fan of resolutions to improve health (lose weight, stop smoking, exercise, change eating) and improve one’s money situation (new job, promotion, more clients, less time wasted with poor organization).  My profession, after all, is healer and change agent.  Using hypnotherapy to effect deep changes and energy healing to reduce anxiety and stress, with life coaching to set up goals, rewards and timetables, it’s a very powerful toolkit and it gets very powerful, fast results.  What’s missing?

Nothing, if your goal is the utterly admirable ones of physical health and the end of limiting beliefs about yourself.

But that’s not all there is to a human life.  We also have a striving to be better people.   All of my tools work really well to help people to extinguish the lingering remnants of harm from childhoods with imperfect families, traumas from adult life like criminal assaults, natural disasters and war, as well as personal imperfections that can’t be traced back to a particular cause or event. 

It’s noble, I think, to truly want to cause less pain to others by wanting to be less quick-tempered, more patient, more kind and understanding or more generous with praise and focus on catching people doing something right.  All of these and more have been resolutions of my clients over the years.  Removing the defect entirely is wonderful, but when we are talking about deeply ingrained barriers like this, even removing a layer or two of habitual patterns is a victory.

There is one challenge that I think underlies all the frustration, the envy, and the anger over the Good Luck in others’ lives, and that is what I’d like to talk about today.  We look at others in the superficial way that we do when we are assessing others’ lives, we see what we think they have, we compare it to what we know we don’t have, and anger arises.  We spin stories about why we don’t have, and why they do.  That story becomes our truth and we live our lives believing the story.

Let’s break this whole conundrum apart, piece by piece, and let’s start with a really common example: you have a particular burden holding you back and I don’t.  One of my many clients who is also a coach or healer tells me that it’s harder for her than for me, because she has two young children and I don’t; in fact, I have an easy life all around.  You’ve done this a million times, and so have we all.  Even I, who am super-aware of the fallacy, occasionally fall into the pit before I realize what I did and jump out.  The truth that we need to learn at a deep level is that we actually DON’T know a damn thing about what burdens our fellow humans are bearing.  All we know is what is public and obvious. 

People assume I don’t know how black people suffer because my hair is blond; they don’t know that I grew up with African American brothers and a sister.  People assume I have no burdens because I tend to be cheerful and don’t ride in a wheelchair.  During flu season, people learn that I have immune system weaknesses that make illnesses very common, but if you meet me in summer?  Nope.  My other health concerns are private; that doesn’t mean they don’t exist or don’t hold me back in myriad ways.  Only their closest intimates (usually) know that a person had a deeply-abused childhood, has been a victim of violence or is battling their way back to wholeness from the effects of PTSD.  And you don’t know any of this.  You know your life.  You don’t know the truth about the hundreds of people you are telling stories about every year. 

The underlying purpose of the story-telling that Person X has fewer burdens than me is to have a ready-made reason for why s/he has something and I don’t, an ignoble goal if ever there was one.  If you find yourself wanting to push back on this wisdom, now you know why your limbic system doesn’t want to let go of the Everyone Has It Easier Than Me story. 

How to overcome this (frequently wrong) story-spinning?  Every time you hear your mind coming to a conclusion about someone, especially after a short acquaintance, STOP.  Take two long, very slow, deep breaths and remind yourself that You Don’t Know A Damn Thing About This Person.  If you are in I Don’t Know territory, your mind is open to collecting additional information.  As soon as you have spun a story, you will interpret all new sensory information (what they say, do, twitch, etc.) through the filter of whether or not it fits in the story. 

The goal of this exercise is NOT to turn off your intuition – absolutely the contrary!  We just to the story that we can trust a person based on our limbic system liking the person’s welcoming smile and generous offer of home-baked cookies.  But sociopaths and garden-variety manipulators are very charming and “nice.”  You need to reserve your story-making/judgment until you have a lot more data.  Only a true sociopath can keep up the smokescreen forever.  The others will start to slip up.  If you are paying close attention, you’ll notice it and step out of range.  If you have your “S/he’s a great guy/gal” story/frame in place, you’re by definition no longer paying close attention. 

Acknowledging your own burdens – you are building a career or a business and want to be a good parent as well; you are battling asthma or ADD to get to your goals – allows you to generate goals that fit your physical and mental limits.  You won’t choose the same goal or timing as some outside entity thinks you should.  You know what you can realistically do and if you don’t, call me and we’ll figure it out in a coaching session.  You can walk from Panama City to Washington DC or from a Auschwitz to Hiroshima if you just keep putting one foot in front of another and don’t give up; my mom the dedicated peace activist did both, in her 60s.

For 2016, let me suggest this additional Resolution for your consideration:  slow down the creation of stories.  And when you hear yourself getting ready to conclude that another person has less burdens than you, remind yourself that you know all the secrets of your own soul and absolutely nothing about theirs.

Call me for a Free Getting Unstuck session, on whatever your goals for the year or your life are.  253-203-6676.  victoria.leo.reiki@gmail.com   www.soaringdragon.biz

Feeling Stressed and Down?

Many people get “down” at this time of year.  An ex-boss of mine said that she hated autumn because all she saw all around her was the living world dying.  But that dying was only in her mind.  Nature never dies.

What it does is sleep.  The upper layers of grass fall away, and the roots remain, waiting for the return of the light in spring.  Trees lose their leaves so they can effectively hunker down and take their own hibernation time.  Roses drop their last blooms in December, just before the Solstice.  The Great Sleep overtakes nature, a time when the summer’s focus on growing, growing, growing can turn into the winter’s focus on restoration.

If you have the blues because you think you see Death all around you, be of good cheer.  The world is only sleeping.  And tonight, at 8PM PST, the nadir will be reached and the Light will begin to return to the Northern Hemisphere again.  We will all receive the promise that life is eternal and the Great Sleep will end in another cycle of furious growth and resplendent colors.

When nature goes inward, it is an invitation for the human animal to rest as well.  If you’ve been on frantic overdrive, realize that you are creating the definitions of Success and Failure that are driving you crazy.  Perhaps this year you can realize it and next year you can stop it?  At least consider that option.  If you don’t rest enough– thinking rest = laziness because that’s what corporate culture tells you, for their own greedy reasons – consider resetting your beliefs.  You do need 7+ hours of actual sleep and at least another half-hour of meditation, yoga or Reiki each and every day, if you want to live a long and healthy life.  The laws of biology apply to everyone, regardless of their income and Great Importance in The World.  The reason I get so much done in my working time is because I regenerate my energy through exercise and through rest.   You can’t keep dipping into your reserve tank forever.  Eventually, the well runs dry.  Consider this for the next 24 hours.

Most of our “downs” are, like the belief that we are observing Death all around us, or the belief that we’re not allowed to rest, thus self-created, which means that they will fall away in the moment when we stop believing lies.  [Not all “downs” are products of our thoughts.  If you get down every winter, you may have a biochemical form of temporary depression called Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Get my book Journey Out of SAD and take your life back.]

The biggest source of self-inflicted pain at this time of year is the self-diagnosed Failure.  If you are down to your last dime, you are absolutely kin-less and friendless, and the food bank is out of food, then, yes, you have a real problem.  For most of us, it seems like Armageddon but if we get a solid 9 hours of sleep, and take a couple of naps, we’ll awake to the realization that what we are really facing is a mismatch between what we wanted and what we got.  This is a situation where the believers in a benevolent spiritual presence or benevolent spiritual laws have a real leg up.  They take a deep breath and sink into the comfort of knowing that whatever is in front of them is an opportunity to gain wisdom, and get on with living a kind and benevolent life themselves.  Maybe there’s a food bank in another town.  Maybe the local church has a warm place to spend the night.  Those of us who don’t have that philosophy need a world-view that encompasses the truth that we’re not supposed to go from pleasure to pleasure with nary a discomfort to be had.  That ain’t – and never has been – the human equation.  Into every life, some rain must fall, especially if you live in the Seattle metro area.

It seems obvious, but millions of people make themselves literally sick from fighting against this reality.  

If my first book hadn’t been botched by Prentice-Hall, I’d have been a millionaire in the 1980s.  I wouldn’t be working so hard for my daily tofu in 2015.  So what?  The road that “failure” sent me on lead me to the love of my life, a new career in comprehensive mental and physical healing and a completely different vision of why I was born.  

Why couldn’t I have a million AND the world’s best husband?  Why did my mother have to die in the grips of awful Alzheimer's?  Only children ask that question, grasshopper.   Adults let all the emotions generated by expectations of everlasting happiness fall by the wayside or slough off their backs like rain off an anorak.  Adults look around them and find the beauty in what IS, without comparing it with any imagined reality. 

It is Solstice Night.  In a matter of hours, the cosmic hourglass is turned over and the light begins to return to my half of the world.  Light is good.  It banishes SAD, and it makes it easier to step over, not into, the furball your cat coughed up overnight.  But the deeper Light – the Light of wisdom –is even better.  May we all awake tomorrow morning to welcome not only more light, but more Light. 



Visit my website www.soaringdragon.biz and explore all my programs for transformation - blasting you through barriers that are keeping you from the life you were born for!  The Facebook group Healing Minds, Healing Bodies also gets my announcements of new Webinars series.  Friday mornings Pacific and on YouTube humanbio4everyone after that.  Another webinar series on Wed mornings in 2016 on Creativity and it's link to health, wealth, and blasting through barriers

1 Simple Step to Improve Your Home Life in 2016

Even the most career-obsessed person knows that an unhappy home life sucks the energy and joy from your life.  And most of us are more balanced than that. So here is one simple step to make a big difference in your personal happiness for 2016 – and you’ll make your spouse or partner much happier as well.

Here’s the scenario that most of us live with:

Ø  There is no demarcation in communication between the tactical (kids’ dental appointments, other calendaring, the bill that needs paying) and the strategic (where are we going on vacation next year, what % of our time are we spending on kids, parents, hobbies, our spiritual growth, an irritation I have with you, an important way in which you are disrespecting me, my time or my importance in your life).  The tactical gets sandwiched into whatever snippets of time are available.  The most important strategic questions – the primary relationship and its emotions, meaning the meaning that the relationship has in our lives, how valued we are, how trusted you are – require undivided attention and a calm interior, so they never get aired until the bucket overflows on a particularly stressful day.

Ø  Important conversations (both tactical and strategic) about finances, vacations, problems or opportunities with the kids, problems and opportunities with in-laws, ourselves, our careers, our <fill in the blanks> gets sandwiched in to a brain that is tunneled on the stress of the moment.  A tunneled brain cannot even absorb all the details and nuances of the issue, much less process it with both analytic and intuitive wisdom. 

Ø  Because we cannot absorb the full reality that is being presented to our tunneled brain, we lose most of the context and half the content.  Our spouse correctly concludes that we aren’t listening and (possibly incorrectly) that we really don’t value them. 

Ø  Whoever is paying the bills, dealing with the teacher or the nasty neighbor, or mediating the in-laws knows what’s going on, but the other partner really doesn’t, so that miscommunications with the external world occur, wasting everyone’s already scanty free time. [The time you should be spending at the gym, right?]

Some people have a weekly What’s Going On? Meeting in which they coordinate the tactical.  It’s a step toward wisdom, certainly.  It’s a rare family that sets aside well-rested, unpressured time to tackle the strategic.  You need to.

To the rescue – the mandatory weekly Family Meeting!  Have a scribe, either the person with the best handwriting, or the person who really loves to take notes or who is the most comprehensive note-taker [that would be my partner], or both/all parties on a rotating basis.  Start with the tactical stuff.  Write everything down!  This ensures that whoever dealt with the problem, challenge or opportunity isn’t the only adult who knows who said what and what was done.  

So far, so tactical.

Then start on the strategic, specifically the non-relationship-oriented events, plans, goals.  Brainstorm.  Talk about retirement, or your career plans, or the possibility of relocation, or what kinds of investments you both really care about.  Focus on listening twice as much as you talk.  Take three long, deep breaths and don’t respond to any idea that upsets, scares or enrages you until you are calm again.  Have a Time Out process.  Stand up and stretch.  Talk about reducing expenses on things you want but don’t need, so that the longer-term strategic needs can be met – or even the strategic wants, like a life-altering trip to India or above the Arctic Circle, can come true without incurring debt.  You can forego the $5 cup of coffee if you know what you are getting instead.  Keep your eyes on the prize!

The last element of the Family Meeting is the relationship.  Keep reminding yourself that no human being is going to support you in your life goals, including your business and career goals, if they are disrespected themselves.  Cheer when your spouse trusts you enough to bring up something that s/he wishes you’d do or not do, or do differently.  You are finding out about it while s/he still loves and trusts you.  If I had a dollar for every male friend, colleague, relative or client who has told me in bewilderment that he has no idea why his wife is divorcing him, I would have a fully-paid condo in Lahaina.  With the exception of the 3% of humanity who are sociopaths, people are only mysterious when we aren’t listening.  Coaxing problems out of hiding when they are still small and fixable keep the garden of love well-weeded.

And that is the most effective, most powerful boost you can give your career and your life for 2016.