Have Courage and Be Kind: What do you do if you didn't have a Golden Childhood?

 Have you seen the 2015 version of Cinderella?  Wonderful movie isn’t it?  The theme – Have courage and be kind, and all will be well – stunned me when I saw the movie in the theatre, because it is exactly what my mother taught me.

Think about it.  So much of what “happens” to us is really the result of a lack of courage on our part.  We stay in harmful situations way too long, allowing ourselves to be more deeply hurt, because we are afraid of the unknown that lies outside of the Known But Awful.  We stay in jobs.  We stay in relationships.  We let ourselves stay connected to toxic people of all types.  We stay in toxic places, that suck our souls dry.  Why?  Lack of courage.

We fall into mistakes because we lack the courage to thoroughly examine a proposition before we commit to it.  We tell ourselves that we are following our heart or our intuition, but what we’re really doing is telling the universe that we don’t matter, that looking out for ourselves with a minimal Due Diligence is wrong, because we don’t have the right to stop a slick sales pitch in its tracks and examine it very, very closely.  If we really mattered to ourselves, we wouldn’t care who got pissed off.  We would move toward what is good for us, move away from what isn’t healthy, and smile kindly while we say “No, thank you,” which is a complete sentence. 

Ella exhibited both kinds of courage.  And many kinds of kindness.

And most lovely of all, the movie reminds people like me, who work every day to uncover, clean out and repair the effects of childhood damage in beautiful adult souls, of the importance of what parents and teachers do.  If you are a parent or teacher, don’t ever believe that the hard work you do every day is thankless.  It isn’t.  Adult Ella was able to endure her harsh young adulthood of emotional abuse and neglect because her core belief in her own value and goodness was never breached.  That “golden childhood” of parental love, appreciation and delight inoculated her, for a long time, against the slings and arrows of an outrageous fortune.  The wickedest adults could not make her bitter, angry and resentful, her soul shone in the darkest times, because she had a bone-deep belief in and memory of love.  Her youngest years protected her soul from shriveling under the heaviest hammer blows of adversity.  THAT soul is what the prince/king could not live without, and which gave him the courage to “become his own man.” 

That shining soul is the gift that those of us who’ve had a golden childhood carry with them, the armor that keeps them safe forever after.  The rest of us have to work harder – for years or decades, depending on the damage – to build that same deep, shining soul, that has courage and kindness as its north star.  When we do, we don’t have to battle against resentment, envy and uncertainty any more.  When we know, at the deepest level of our hearts, that we are lovable, then whether others do or don’t doesn’t determine our own behavior.  And then we become the hero/ine of our own glorious story, inspiring everyone around us.  We become the candle that lights up all the dark, scared candles around us. 

If you wonder if you’ll ever have Ella’s kindness and courage, know that there are healers like me in the world, who have the skills and the determination to help you become a person who can light candles all around you, a person with a genuine, rock-solid certainty of their own value, and the deepest humility about themselves.  You can do it.  We all can.  For those of us without a golden childhood, it can be a long, hard trek, but the mountaintop is reachable.  We really can all be Ella.  Blessed be. 

The Downside of Being Totally Focused on Success, Marketing, Goals

She was sitting by herself at a table while conversations swirled all around her. You know how a person looks when they are in an unfamiliar situation and they don’t have the language skills or social moxie to know how to insert themselves into the social relationships all around them? That’s how she looked, like a person on the other side of a glass wall. When a person is alone with their thoughts and happily so, they look different. After the first full day was over with no change, I wandered over and tried out my 6 words of Japanese. No signal success. So I fell back on my All-Purpose Solution to Life’s Problems That I Otherwise Have No Solution For – I crocheted her something. I put reiki healing symbols into the scarf. We stumbled through a conversation in English and I shared my email address.

Fast forward a month and she ends up in the Emergency room back home in Japan. She clutches my scarf and the reiki symbols pull healing energy to her; she feels the pain recede. Wow! Our email conversations change into deeper sharing of business and personal goals and dreams.

Two years later, she is one of my soul-sisters. She has brought me more business than my wildest dreams.

Why am I so moved by this serendipity?

Simple. All these beautiful personal (which would have been enough, I promise you!) and professional gifts came from a simple, kindly gesture, the sort of thing my mum raised me to do. I don’t expect or need anything other than a momentary smile to come from them. I don’t do them for Results. I just do them because someone I admire and love taught me that doing them is the rent I have to pay for the gift of living and breathing on this earth. I am so, so grateful, down to my toes, for the blessing that this serendipitous soul sister is in my life. My husband thinks that we were guided to that particular date at that particular resort specifically so that I could meet her.

Here’s what worries me: how many other angels have I missed, at times when I was so gripped with My Goals, or the urgent focus on my marketing or other Make It Happen activities, that I missed opportunities to pay my soul rent?

I don’t intend to stop working hard, harnessing brain as well as heart. But I have been reminded today of the importance of stopping, taking a breath, looking around and noticing if there are any needs that I can respond to, without an expectation of ROI. When I do, I am truly living. And every once in a while, without my controlling or directing it at all, I meet an angel. Blessed be.

A FUN Human Anatomy Quiz - with answer key and a prize for you!

This is a somewhat different quiz in that you get a huge discount on my comprehensive 18 hour CD (MP3) How Your Body Really Works if you miss at least one of these.

Please note:  the real answers here are based on anatomy and physiology as known to science, printed in A&P textbooks as proven by science/medicine.  Ideologies may disagree with facts, and if you do, just move on.  Facts and opinions can't argue with each other; they are fundamentally different things.

Quiz 1: 

1. High blood pressure causes irreparable kidney damage; it shreds the gentle structures in the glomeruli of the nephron. Once your kidneys are wrecked, you die.  Get your blood pressure checked.  Get it under control.  I have ideas....
2. Nope.  Bone STORES calcium.  It is used by your nerves, to transmit impulses, and by your muscles, as the final GO signal for muscle cells to contract when ordered to by a nerve.  This is why if you drink sodas, don't exercise, don't get enough calcium, magnesium and vitamin D, your bones will weaken.  The nervous and muscle systems are life-or-death (think about your heart and diaphragm), so bones will give up calcium to preserve them.
3. Metabolism and other chemical reactions only occur in a narrow pH range.  Bones, see previous answer.  Kidneys release hormones and respond to hormones to release more water or release more ions, to change the pH of the blood.  Your lungs will pump deeper and faster to get rid of more CO2 if there is too much acid in the blood. Carbon dioxide is the major contributor to blood acidity under normal conditions; it dissolves in the blood as an acid (not really carried by hemoglobin like they told you in 4th grade).
4. The brain neurons that control thirst are right next to the ones that control hunger.  The incoming sensory neurons can terminate in the wrong place very easily.  That is why you should always have a nice glass of liquid when you first feel hungry - in case it's really thirst.


Quiz 2
1. Your sympathetic nervous system needs to send a signal to your adrenals and release the adrenal cascade on a millisecond basis to save you from death and danger.  Your parasympathetic nervous system has a much harder job: "mopping up" all those stress chemicals through biochemical means takes hours.  That's why you can flare up in an instant but take much longer to completely calm down.
2. Vitamin K is an essential element of the blood clotting cascade.  A serious intestinal disease, by disrupting Vitamin K production by specific bacteria, can make you more susceptible to uncontrolled bleeding from cuts, internal hemorrhage, etc.
3. Cortisol signals your fat cells to hold on to fat. We evolved in a world where "stress" equaled starvation, not a corporate power grab or nasty in-laws coming to visit.
4. They are talking about System 1 (see Kahneman) or (almost the same) the limbic system, which pre-processes all sensory incoming data, and then decides whether it thinks it can handle it solo or whether it needs advice from the pre-frontal cortex and other System 2 structures.  No, you don't have separate brains.  We have the same structures as other primates, other mammals, even as far back as reptiles in some cases, but all of these have evolved in their connections and are unique to humans in that sense.  The whole reptile/human dichotomy is of limited utility.  Read Thinking: Fast and Slow, and learn to talk about System 1 and System 2.  Or buy my CD.

If you won the right to the $5 CD, go to www.soaringdragon.biz to learn about it, and then call 253-203-6676 or email victoria.leo.reiki@gmail.com with questions or guidance on how to order.

Reframing Insults Puts Power Where It Belongs - In YOUR Pocket

Sometimes it's the small things that count.  I have a client who recently transferred to a new group with a "mentor" who was making him miserable.  In listening to him, the causes and solutions became clear.

The cause?  She raced along at breakneck speed, such that Michaelangelo or Einstein couldn't have kept up - and used an exasperated tone of voice when anyone asked a question or even asked her to slow down.  You can understand his pissossity at the meta-communication that he was an idiot.  You can understand why he wanted the basic respect that he deserved as a highly-regarded professional.

I started by getting him to reframe the situation from anger to an understanding that this young thing just didn't know how to teach.  When he was sure that no sane person would actually think he's an idiot, he was able to hear that, and shift his energy from defense to commiseration.  Who doesn't remember what a jerk they were when they were 20-something?  

Getting angry at a jerk is usually a "weak" response.  Realizing that your respect and integrity will never be diminished, in discerning eyes, by the actions of a jerk gives you the emotional space to take a breath and make a non-attacking response.  Truly, emotionally realizing that the jerk is incompetent, not powerful, defangs the attacker in the eyes of your reactive limbic system.  This is easier with a hypnotherapy journey, which my client used, but if you devote time to it, you can reprogram your deep heart and soul on your own. [Call me.  It's shorter, more fun and more comprehensive if a pro does it with you.]

Then I got him to manage her - with praise. The first time he thanked her and praised her for her knowledge and thanked her again for her efforts (all very sincerely), he saw the first smile he'd ever seen on her face.  "She walked away with a spring in her step," he marveled.  A month later, he has no trouble interacting with her.  She will probably continue to not know how to teach anything – and not be motivated to learn! - but the exasperated bad manners are gone.  In any case, my client knows how to interpret her bad manners.  Reframing it as her incompetence at teaching [“these young folks,” he tells himself] allows him to genuinely praise the things she does well and ignore her incompetence.  

His stress level (and all the bad effects that brings) is way down, so it’s another example of how healing minds heals bodies as well.  Call me for a free Getting Unstuck session.

You Don't Need a Date for Valentine's Day!

The Best Business Advice Anyone Ever Gave Me

New businesses take time to build and setting an expectation that it will all be effortless and happen immediately just sets you up to drive yourself relentlessly, and always feel like a failure.  Immediate, effortless success does happen occasionally, and the whole world can hear about these outliers thanks to the Internet,  a mental bias that psychology is very familiar with [hearing about crimes constantly convinces you that the crime rate is high, even though stats say that it has actually been dropping].  That constant repetition of outlier after outlier is enough to keep everyone invested in the idea that this outlier of immediate, effortless success is the outcome that they can force, if they just use the right Secret or the right vision board or incantation.  This is the way our brains work.  Rational statistical reasoning doesn’t come naturally.  We are worried about a terrorist attack – not the million times more likely danger of a car wreck, or even an earthquake or a volcanic eruption if you live where I do in the Pacific Northwest of the USA.

So we worry about terrorists and we think we’re failures because dreaming and visioning doesn’t bring us what we want in 3 weeks.  Even hard work plus visioning doesn’t always get us what we want.   We don’t consider market forces or just plain bad luck.  But they are the real reason why one heck of a lot of stuff happens or doesn’t happen.  Analyze your marketing.  See what tweeks you need. 

Spend more time doing Reiki or exercising or taking walks in the park with your dog – all those “not trying to force or control things” actions that lower your stress levels and allow you to look at yourself with eyes of love and appreciation.  It is only Truth that sets us free.  Consider the potential truth that you can’t vision yourself out of what God, your karma, or global business forces want for you.  Consider taking your stress down a notch by letting it all be enough – you are enough, your effort was enough, your faith in yourself was enough – everything that you are is just enough. 

And if what you are so determined to have isn’t happening, maybe you need to give it more time.  Or maybe, if it’s been two years and the business still isn’t giving you a livable income, the truth is that you need to do something else.  Not in a spirit or belief that you are a failure, just in a belief that it’s time to get new guidance.   Take a long, slow deep breath and widen your vision.  [When you want something desperately, you get tunnel-vision with your intensity.  Read Scarcity.]  Ask the universe where it wants you, without the deep emotional agenda of what you want poisoning the quiet voice of the eternal.  Listen.  Quietly. 

And remember – all the world’s spiritual traditions have some version of “Be of good heart.”  Ask yourself why that is.  You might conclude that it’s because being happy and at peace with What Is, is the real road that you are on.  Paradoxically, the more content you are on the What Is road, the more your vision can expand to see other roads that intersect with What Is.  You find it when you’re not looking for it.  [Byron Katie’s books are a big help in making this make sense.]

Come for a free Getting Unstuck session!  www.soaringdragon.biz

The #1 Factor That Will Keep You Going Toward Your Personal Goals

 How often do you celebrate?  Official holidays and family events only?  Or do you also celebrate your small victories and achievements on the mountain that you are personally climbing?

Some of us aren’t aspiring to anything.  I know lots of people like this.  They have achieved what they have always wanted – a certain income, grandparent status, a comfortable job – and they are satisfied.  They will read and learn and grow intellectually, or not, but they don’t have any aspirations burning a hole in their souls.  They have no mountains that they are attempting to summit.

Now please note: a mountain that you feel compelled to summit need not be something tangible.  It doesn’t need be healthy weight, a strong, muscled body, graduating from college or the Displaced Homemaker program or completing a marathon.  It could be getting through an entire week without snarling at anyone, feeling completely free and happy in one’s sexual expression, meditating for 10 minutes a day for a month or graduating from the eternal Yes Woman at your church (and being OK with everyone being mad at you, up to and including needing to find another church).  I particularly love the clients who come to me for that 2^nd type of mountain!

Some of these mountains are public – you tell everyone that you are changing your eating pattern forever, or becoming tobacco-free, so they will help and encourage you if you are tempted to return to your life-killing choices – and some are completely or primarily private.  My personal fitness goals have been in the latter category.

I have had a couple of injuries, which have kept flaring up, and other complications that have kept me from completing the six hours/week that the Surgeon General says we all need for optimal health.  I couldn’t even complete the three hours needed for minimal conditioning.  Most weeks I could complete 1.5 hours. Some days, I did 10 minutes of yoga or hand weights at home and it was all I could do.

The end result: poor physical condition.

But I’m celebrating today!  For the third day in a row, I was able to complete a 30 minute interval program on the treadmill, speeding up my walk to nearly running for at least half of those minutes.  I warmed up for 10, and then started a “5 minutes fast, 2 minutes moderate” progression.   I felt great every day, no relapses.  I can see muscles starting to form all over my torso, arms and legs.  They have been silently building for months, clearly, even as I’ve struggled and thought I was failing.

This is not the mountain summited, no.  It’s not the beginning of the end of my conditioning mountain.  But it is clearly the end of the beginning*.  

Along every mountain trek, there are interim resting spots at the ends of the switchbacks.  If you are a project manager, or have ever painted your house, these are the checkpoints along the project road, the places where you stop and assess your progress.  If you are literally climbing a mountain, you look out and down and realize, in awe and appreciation, how beautiful the view is and how much you have accomplished.

It’s so important to take these progress assessments!  Not in the way we do assessments in the corporate world, where their exact translation is “let’s see what you HAVEN’T accomplished so I have a stick to beat you up with the next time you want a concession on time, flexibility, whatever,” but in a Wow, I’ve Taken Some Steps, Haven’t I spirit. 

This is also what I talk about in my programs when I say that all behavior change goals have to have rewards for every effort toward a goal, as well as rewards for interim steps.

This is my day to celebrate with a non-food reward, and I intend to – extravagantly!  An entire hour of crochet tonight, finishing up a meter-tall stuffed animal, a fuzzy, funny wolf for a wolf-obsessed colleague.  It is not great art or great technical execution but it is fun, and another milestone in its way.  After all, how many people do you know who have ever created a 3 foot tall plush toy wolf that sorta-kinda looks like one? 

When you reward yourself, when you don’t allow your inner damage to slough it off and push you to spend your Reward time/energy/money on some other chore or goal, you are sending a powerful message to your subconscious mind that these actions DO matter, that small actions taken every day, consistently, rain or shine, tired and busy as you are, WILL get results.  It sends the message that these mountains that you are climbing are formidable, but you are more formidable.  It sends the message that you believe in your mountain-summiting ability, your ability to get to the very top and survey the entire world from the highest height.  It sends the message that you matter – to you, which is all that really matters.

Tomorrow, I go back to the gym and return to the climb.  For now, I am celebrating!

*[Extra points if you know who I plagiarized.]

www.soaringdragon.biz
For a comprehensive class on navigating the barriers to a daily movement habit (only $20): https://zparkl.com/course/about/transform-your-relationship-with-exercise/
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Avoid the Short Cuts that Don't Work. Sometimes Truth is just Truth.

We've all heard the joke about the efficiency expert who thinks waiting 9 months for a woman to produce a child is a process that can be improved; just get 9 women to work at it for a month!

Doesn't work that way.

Neither does the new craze for shorter, more intense gym (especially weights) workouts.  The reasoning goes that we are all stressed for time, why waste time?  So far, so good.  But you have to understand that some truths are Truths; they are not a matter of personal opinion, and you cannot use willpower, vision boards or any other mechanism to overcome them.  

Good:  Warm up with a treadmill or other slow, rhythmic, aerobic moves for at least 10 minutes.  Then do your shorter, more intense workout, realizing that intense HAS to use perfect form and correct placement of limbs and weights, because if you are too heavy or too intense and you make even a small mistake in placement, you are going to get injured.  Injured removes you from workouts anywhere from two days to the rest of your life. 

Bad: Jump right in and start pushing and pulling at high intensity.  Muscles and fascia that have been over-stretched or over-tense during hours of work and worry, usually in the same position, are really ripe for a major injury.

So - impatience can kill you, just like your parents told you oh so long ago.

Take your impatience and treat it like the problem that it is.  Breathe deeply for a full minute.  Allow your muscles and connective tissue to relax a bit.  Pray.  Reiki.  Meditate.  State into the abyss until the urge to think that you can overrule the physical rules of nature, what your physical self needs, dissipates and you are returned to sane, rational humanity.  

If you only have 10 minutes, don't go to a gym.  Walk up and down the stairs at your job or home, at a walking pace.  Don't run.  You only have 10 minutes and you're not loosened up yet.  Or do yoga.  Cats and cows, boys and girls.  You can do it in a dress, in a cubicle, so you can surely do it at home. 

If you only have 20 minutes, walk on a treadmill to warm up for ten, then do intervals of rapid or hard work, with a slower pace. for another 10.  Cool down by walking for a few minutes.  

Any strategy is better than going from overstretched and over-tense straight into an intense, especially weights, workout. 

ANY time you feel "I have to" preceding something that violates the laws of physics or biology, know that as a signal to change your faulty thinking, not those natural laws.  

Two plus two will always, always equal four, not twenty four, no matter how busy or important you are, or think you are.  I permanently crippled my hands by exactly this kind of crazy decision-making, and it took me five years of rehab and you don't want to know how much pain and suffering to regain most of my function (and life), but the life lesson has left me with a permanent twerk toward a sane approach to facts.  Truth exists, apart from opinion.  Much of what we think of as fact, is truly opinion - but not everything.  

Slow down.  Breathe.  Make a sane assessment of what is truly possible (Truth) and commit to that.  Let go of everything else