The Surest Road to Peace of Mind

I know, it's pretty funny.  But if you really meditate on this simple "joke," how profound it really is.  

How often do we get caught up in someone's else's drama, someone else's emotional snares, because we get "hooked" by one of the Three Horsemen of Disaster:

>  We are trying to change someone.  You know you can't do that, right?  Really know it?  Take a long, slow deep breath.  It isn't even your business.  You weren't put on this earth to tell other adults - regardless of how much you love them or how much DNA you share with them - how to behave or what choices to make in their lives.  If they are harming you, get away from them.  Otherwise, not your circus.

> We are trying to force an outcome.  This doesn't mean the same as changing someone's nature or their take on things.  It usually means a circus involving more than one person, which is more insane than a circus with just one flying monkey.  You can't make things come out the way you want them, no matter how many vision boards you create.  God may or may not exist.  What's for sure, is that it ain't you.  Let go.

> We are trying to defend ourselves. The worst of the three! In addition to not being able to control other people's behavior, you also can't change how other people think, including how they think about you.  Even if you are being judged based on something other than facts (or the facts that you know).  Even if it's terribly, horribly unfair.  Even if no one asked you what "really happened."  Even so.  You 100% cannot, and will not, ever, ever, ever have the power to control your image with others.  They are going to think what they think.  They are going to talk about you.  They are going to spread false rumors and tear down your reputation.  Your integrity is what you know about yourself.  Your reputation is what others know about you.  Guard the one; ignore the other.  What others think about you is not your circus.

Keeping other people's circus from poisoning YOUR peace of mind is probably the #1 challenge of this time of year, the season of family togetherness and - love?  

Martha Beck had a suggestion years ago about how to survive family holidays with less-than-optimal families: she suggested that you and your sane friends each create a Bingo card in which each segment represents a Circus event (Uncle Harry gets drunk; Dad starts a rant about race; Mom asks me when I am going to get married - or divorced).  Keep track as the holidays pass.  The first person to get a winning Bingo row calls the others and we celebrate.  By taking the focus off the Circus and onto the game, it helps the players to avoid being hooked by the obnoxious comments that tempt you to "defend" what never needs defending - your life choices.  [If you break a law, you might need to defend your choices to a jury or risk prison, but otherwise - no.]

If you can chuck all those monkeys, peace of mind is a cinch.  Call me for a training session on who owns the Circus.  www.soaringdragon.biz

3 Reasons Why You DO Want to Create a Yearly Newsletter (aka Christmas Letter)

 I admit it.  I love to write yearly newsletters.  I even enjoy – for a totally different reason – receiving them.

Yet so many of you don’t – and I completely understand.  I agree that many of them are non-stop brag-fests that can leave you feeling less-than.  If you believe them.  And that’s the key to enjoying them!

If you choose to read newsletters with the expectation of being amused at people’s attempts to convince you (and themselves) that their life is so totally, mermerizingly perfect, they will succeed in entertaining you, minus the comparison-induced depression.

Think about it: you know the reality of your own life and it’s never perfect.  If you compare that reality with the glorious, victorious image projected by others, of COURSE you will think that they are doing so much better in life than you are.

Take a deep breath.  Take another.  Take a third, nice and slow and deep.  Ready for a revelation?  Here it is:  you can read, laugh and throw it in the dustbin.  Laughing is good for your cardiovascular system.

You can also, if you are patient, help guide these misguided souls into more authentic communication with you.  You start by getting off the From Success to Glorious Success treadmill yourself.  

When my husband was facing a devastating layoff, I was matter-of-fact about our worries for the future, and a request for prayers.  I share all the things I’m trying in my business, not just the stuff that worked. 

The big key to why good people (not the jerks of the family) really enjoy our yearly newsletter is that I make it funny.  Sometimes I poke fun at us, like the year I was so frustrated with my boss at the university where I was teaching that I took out my frustrations on the back hedge.  You can understand the depths of my anger when I tell you that I saved us $1000 in hedge trimming services.  You can laugh when I asked for power tools for my birthday and hubby said absolutely not, that he likes having a hedge not a low shrub! Or The Astronomy Widow tells a funny story about hubby’s obsession.  The crazy antics that pet parents get into when one of the darlings is sick and needs a pill.  The Abbott and Costello-esque Victoria-does-home-repair. 

Every issue has a deep point or two. One of us details a profoundly moving experience at a funeral.  We share how we honored the 10^th anniversary of earning a new graduate degree, that put no money in our pocket but enriches our life every day.  A brave mama deer is killed by the local cougar, and her two orphaned fawns are adopted by another mama deer, who successfully raises all four to adulthood. 

If you create a document that shares from the heart, instead of showing off, you might encourage a wiser approach to life among others.  The Grand Canyon grew over millions of year through the constant action of insubstantial water on seemingly solid rock.  You never know what influence you might be having, and you are 100 times more likely to be influential if you stop trying to be! 

As Shakespeare has Hotspur tell Glendower, “Tell the truth and shame the devil!”  If you start creating yearly newsletters that are fun, that are real – though edited for privacy and need-to-know – and that are from the heart, you next task is to not give a damn what any recipient thinks of you, your life and your newsletter.  When you are in that blessed place, you can mail your yearly snippet-of-life out with a joyous heart.  A gift that is given with absolutely no strings attached leaves you joyous and free.  A creation that does not rely on being praised floats high in the sky, free of anyone’s ability to trample it in the dust.

Don’t give up yearly newsletters, grasshopper.  Enjoy the creation.  Set them free to float on the breeze, to whatever new world they may land in. 

Should We Modernize Shakespeare?

The Oregon Shakespeare Festival in Ashland OR is commissioning a group of experienced playwrights to rewrite the plays into modern language, for better comprehension and therefore more participation by the "I can't understand what they're saying" crowd. The language of the Bard just sounds so beautiful to the ear, and we can hope they don't muck with "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow..." or "With love's light wings..." but Juliet's "I should have been more strange" would make more sense if she says what Shakespeare intended, which is "I should have been more discreet (less impulsive)..." They say that they intend to have some plays in modern language and some in Elizabethan. 

What do you think, upon sober consideration? 

3 Steps to Career Success AND Family Joy in Nov/Dec

 So many things culminate in November and December.  At least six major family and religious holidays.  End of year git-er-done deadlines at work.  Everyone’s deepest non-rational needs and craziness being triggered.  Kids enraptured with the magic of lights, desserts and all the decorating at home.  One’s own remembered delights and memories of magic can be ruthlessly tamped down in the service of Reality, but since deep desires can’t really be tamped down, you find them popping up at the most inopportune moment.  Spending more money on gifts and travel than you soberly would choose to allocate from the resources you have. 

Can we really be surprised that so many people, especially parents with full-time jobs, wish they could just fast-forward to January, when they are being honest with themselves?

The good news: there is a way out of the madness!  You need to solve these three problems:

Ø  You’re not paying complete attention to work when you’re at work.

Ø  You’re not paying complete attention to your family and/or your personal needs for joy and magic when you aren’t at work.  Exacerbated by not having enough hours for your non-work life.

Ø  You’re spending too much money.

Let’s take them in turn:

You’re not paying complete attention to work when you’re at work.  Yes, I know that you think you are.  But if you are not giving your children, your spouse and your desire to enjoy this special time of the year its due, those concerns will leak into your work time and you will be constantly fighting distraction.  Or the guilt at your long hours when you know that your family really wants to share this time with you will take up cognitive bandwidth, even when you’re not aware of it.  Or you’re shopping online when you need your cognitive resources 100% focused on the supply-chain problem.  So you can solve this problem by solving problem #2, right?  Let’s do that.

You’re not paying complete attention to your family and/or your personal needs for joy and magic when you aren’t at work.  This is exacerbated by not having enough hours for your non-work life.  Your kids need your undivided attention in order to thrive.  Your spouse needs to know that s/he is undisputed #1 in your life.  Full stop.  If you want to live a long and happy life, have kids who cry buckets at your funeral and a spouse who sustains you for a half century of adult life with his/her unvarnished appreciation and adoration, you need to deserve that.  Full stop.  Kids remember these holidays.  You can’t buy them off with toys and other “stuff,” not in the long run.  They might get all excited about the stuff, but what will keep them away from drugs, early sex and general life stupidity is the strength of their connection to you.  Your spouse needs your help in cutting down the workload, firming placing 90% of the obligations in the No pile.  S/he needs you 100% emotionally present in the evenings, for the joys of decorating the house, making desserts, writing a yearly holiday letter.  S/he needs your 100% emotional presence as you explore a new light show, or visit an ethnic holiday you know nothing about, or do a service project together.  The end of year holidays are about love, about family, about goodness and generosity and caring for others.  They are about joy.  You, my friend, need joy.  You need to sit your kids down and tell them about holidays when you were a child.  You all need a dose of magic, as much as you need to step away from consumerism.

If you are truly present when you’re not working, you can pour it on 100% when you are working., and head home at a reasonable hour.  And by that, I mean no later than 6 PM.  Don’t even think about trying to negotiate this.  If you are 100% focused, you can get a reasonable amount of progress every day toward your organizational goals.  Do it, and then leave, guilt-free.

You’re spending too much money.  There are so many reasons why your spouse deserves your undivided attention during your non-working hours, and one reason is that when your spouse has what s/he needs from the love of their life, they will be more amenable to walking away from the Shoulds that generate too much spending. 

Ø  Gift only children.  Buy them educational toys. No gadgets, unless it’s a group gift from several families.

Ø  Or have a Pick a Name Out of the Hat at Thanksgiving.

Ø  Or create things.  I crochet while I’m relaxing with videos.  You might have talents at baking or crafting or building.  Sometimes I inflict my art on people.  They can throw it out and re-use the frame, I don’t care; having them know that I love them matters.

 

Unless you have more money than the Queen of England, you are probably spending too much.  You need much more money for retirement than you think you do.  Your kids need some seed money for college.  The animal welfare groups need a big donation.  The polar bears are drowning and the planet needs saving.  These things matter.  You can deal with selfish people trying to guilt-trip you into shopping now much more easily than you can deal with an unhappy retired life or kids with crippling education debts. 

Work with your spouse on an announcement to both families about your firm commitment to reserving the holidays for love and service projects.  Write a heartfelt letter about teaching your kids the value of sharing and caring, including creating small and meaningful gifts.  Wrap one or at most two nice educational gifts for your kids under your own tree or other symbolic object.  Whether you are pre-parenting, post-parenting or non-parenting, the same rules apply. 

All the holidays are about Light – the Light of wisdom, the Light of love, and the Light of joy.  They all dispel the darkness.  Focus on wisdom, love and joy, and don’t confuse them with “stuff.” 

So you see the solution!  When you fix the “time-at-home” problem and the spending problem, you automatically resolve the distractions that are keeping you from career success in November and December.  When you fix the “focus on work, then come home” problem, you automatically resolve the deprivation that you are inflicting on yourself, your vulnerable children and your spouse.  Life isn’t linear.  It’s a web, in which the solution to one part of the web relies on progress elsewhere.

You deserve to excel at work this holiday.  And you deserve excellence in your spouse, parent and human being roles as well.  You can do it!  Let the Light shine!

I'll Think of Something

I'm exasperating.  I've been told that, anyway.  A long time ago, when I was running a technical certificate program for the University of California Santa Cruz Extension, I was the most exasperating, frustrating direct-report that my Dean had, according to him.  My crime?  Apparently, my stock response to every impossible dilemma was a deep breath and a determined "I'll think of something."  At the height of his exasperation, he told me that he wanted to live long enough to hear me admit that something was impossible. "Hmm," sez I, my standard non-committal response, whilst thinking "Good luck with that!"  I don't know if he has passed to his eternal rest yet, but I have some bad news for him - I haven't stopped saying it.   

And believing it.

Now, please understand: I am NOT saying that I can change the course of history or the externally-generated circumstances of my own life through sheer force of will.  I have dozens of friends and acquaintances who are beating themselves up because they couldn't manifest wealth in the midst of the biggest depression since 1930, or they can't change the course of hurricanes. [No, I'm not making up that latter.]  

It's not all about you, grasshopper.  Or, as I tell people, "There may be a god - who knows? - but it for sure ain't you."  Being an ordinary caring, loving, striving human being is a fine destiny.  You don't need to be the lord of life and death, heaven and earth, to be happy.  What you need to do is do your darndest to stay on top of the waves, and after you have done your very best, let go of the outcome.  That is easier said than done and not the subject of today's chat.

I just want to focus on the "doing your darndest" part.  My Dean told me that the buildings were underutilized, so I started researching and brainstorming and trying things out.  My new lineup of classes included Sunday, lunchtime, late afternoon and hybrid classes. Revenues soared.  When the main campus wanted X and we needed Y, my let's-negotiate spinal reflex drove him nuts.  No means no, Victoria.  Except that I never actually believe that.  [I have learned to moderate my spinal reflex with family members.  That's a different area of life.  Sometimes, the most loving response to No, is OK. A topic for another day.]  

I found this Viking ship somewhere (Pinterest? Facebook?) and would be happy to attribute it, if I could.  It sits on the wall facing me as I work, to remind me that when one door slams, I just need to find another one. And another one.  And another one.  And if they are all locked, climb to another floor.  Or stay home and wait for the EMT's.  

If the wind dies, take to the oars.  If the wind turns into a hurricane, batten down the hatches, tarp the open deck, set a sea anchor, and breathe.  Pray or invoke reiki.  No hurricane lasts forever.  If you end up on a foreign shore, recon first, before you disembark.  When you know the area is relatively safe, get out, find food, make friends with the natives, stay clear-eyed.  Keep thinking of something until you can't think any more, then ask friends to brainstorm with you.  When all ideas fail, it's batten down and breathe.  Take a nap or a day off, then go back to thinking of something.  Go back to the oars.

For the Love of Reiki Makes a Big Splash on Times Square

My good friend Paula Vail, host of the Voice America show (www.voiceamerica.com) For the Love of Reiki, has been honored in a big way, on the Great White Way.  I've been a guest on her show multiple times, but that isn't really why I am so happy, and want to shout her honors to the wide world.

The reason I am so over the top happy is because she is such a GOOD person and regardless of my lifetime of spiritual teaching and growth, below all the cognitive and intellectual wisdom, I still retain the child's belief that good people should have good luck.  I can look at myself and shake my metaphorical head at my undying belief about how reality should be, and my deep, deep soul's stubborn refusal to give up this belief that is so harmful to my peace of mind.

I call it harmful because it leads me to sadness or even anger when I work hard or I am kind and generous and I have nothing but troubles. I mean, doesn't virtue have a reward, other than the internal psychic one?  No, little one, it doesn't.  

There are so many levels of wisdom above this childish yearning for a different reality, a world with different rules.  Out to at least 3 sigma, I am completely at peace with and in tune with reality as it truly is, that outcomes are not solely the result of hard work or virtue but include societal monkey wrenches like racism, sexism or a culture determined to keep you poor, and also the personal luck variables like whether you get that coveted passage on the Titanic, or you miss your "chance" and stay alive.

Paula has worked hard and been virtuous. She has had a knack for engaging topics and has skill in drawing the best from her guests.  She also hit her stride at the right time, as Voice America was getting started and ramping up.  As Malcolm Gladwell explains in Outlier, timing is a big factor in success. 

And I don't care a bit about any of that.  My inner 5 year old is jumping up and down with delight because one of the Good Guys has hit the big time, a well-deserved success has occurred.  I'm going to let her jump up and down, and keep striving for more wisdom tomorrow.  For today..... listen to her shows.  Enjoy!

Honoring Each Other's Cultures - and Having Fun, Too!

One of the ways I encourage my clients to improve their physical health and also their happiness and peace of mind, is through creative projects.  Because I practice what I preach, I do it myself.  That's how I found myself reflecting so happily on the last group of wonderful Japanese clients who came to my Ashland center for a healing experience..... and I was drawn to expressing that connection through my creative art.  I grabbed some white and some bright red yarns (it looks purple here but that's my camera's fault), and made a trivet that looks like the Rising Sun Japanese flag. [A trivet is something that protects your kitchen counter from too-hot pots and serving dishes.]  Because I had more yarn, I created two additional trivets - one that is mostly white and one that is entirely red.  Every time I see those trivets, I am reminded of the wonderful energy of those clients/guests and I feel my heart filling with the energy of love and gratitude.


 

Another friend is French.  I crocheted his son a stuffed toy snake in striped red, white and blue, the French national colors.  I put photos of the snake on my Pinterest account [look under Soaring Dragon] and have an all-blue version here.  It reminds me of my funny, generous friend and once again my heart fills with gratitude for the path that brought me to this friendship.

It's axiomatic that spiritual people will decry "stuff."  This is just a reminder that too much stuff, or the pursuit of $$ so we can get more stuff will indeed NOT bring us happiness.  But the right stuff, or photos of the right stuff - the stuff that we create ourselves, and that are outpourings of our generous hearts and minds - because they remind us of love, is the genuine Right Stuff.

It's also fun to honor someone else's preferences and culture instead of trying to convert them to one's own. 

________________________________________________________________

I offer 30 minute Exploration Sessions for new potential clients who want to get from where they are to where they want to be.  For the kinds of barriers that I am most effective in demolishing, the transformation I can drive is absolutely amazing.  People like you have been freed from a lifetime of 50-pound emotional packs they never knew they were lugging.  Trauma is healed.  Habits and addictions like smoking and poor nutrition are overcome.  Lives are transformed.  If you have a problem that I am not certified in or prefer not to work with, I'll tell you, and recommend a good alternative.  I love to show people ways to save money through effective between-visit work.

It all starts with an email or phone call. We can do very powerful healing work in any time zone, via the wonders of videoconferencing!   victoria.leo.reiki@gmail.com   www.soaringdragon.biz   253-203-6676 (Pacific Time, normal working hours M-F, Sat occasionally)

It's the Simple Things..... That Are So Hard

The Power of Simple and Sincere Praise

Sometimes it's the small things that count.  I have a client who recently transferred to a new group with a "mentor" who was making him miserable.  In listening to him, the causes and solutions became clear.

The cause?  She raced along at breakneck speed, such that Michaelangelo or Einstein couldn't have kept up - and used an exasperated tone of voice when anyone asked a question or even asked her to slow down.  You can understand his pissossity at the meta-communication that he was an idiot.  You can understand why he wanted the basic respect that he deserved as a highly-regarded professional.

I started by getting him to reframe the situation from anger to an understanding that this young thing just didn't know how to teach.  When he was sure that no sane person would actually think he's an idiot, he was able to hear that, and shift his energy from defense to commiseration.  Who doesn't remember what a jerk they were when they were 20-something?

Then I got him to manage her - with praise. The first time he thanked her and praised her for her knowledge and thanked her again for her efforts (all very sincerely), he saw the first smile he'd ever seen on her face.  "She walked away with a spring in her step," he marveled.  A month later, he has no trouble interacting with her.  She will probably continue to not know how to teach anything, but the exasperated bad manners are gone - and in any case, my client knows how to interpret her bad manners.  Reframing it as her incompetence at teaching [“these young folks,” he tells himself] allows him to genuinely praise the things she does well. 

His stress level (and all the bad effects that brings) is way down, so it’s another example of how healing minds heals bodies.....  The next time someone insults instead of mentoring you, or you feel legitimate anger arising, stop, take a deep breath, and consider the possibility that your "enemy" is just incompetent - and we've all suffered from that disease.  The same person who has literally saved lives can't figure out her GoPro, allegedly the simplest camera on the planet.  I need compassion.  We all do.  

Down the Driveway, into a Wonderworld

Last night, I came home at 1 AM after picking up someone at the airport.  It’s a rural property, and as my headlights swept down the long driveway, at the far edge of the property 8 glowing eyes twinkled back at me.  The tapeti lucidi of a group of deer!  Two of them swiveled their heads and half-stood, but the others were unworried.  Although they’d never seen me come or go at that ungodly hour before, they knew that I was not a danger.  As I pulled up and parked as far from them as possible, and then exited as quietly as possible, the two “nervy” ones settled down into their sleep positions again. The doe, young fawn and two teen males, who might have been the mum’s fawns from last year, made my heart sing.  The peaceful energy as they settled back to sleep made me smile, but it was more than just a charming scene.  For just over two years, I’ve been watching the local deer who live in proximity to my healing & retreat center.  Generations have grown up under my fascinated attention.  Yet there was more to experience, a whole world of movement and activity, safety and comfort as well as ambush and death, going on mere feet from my door, that I knew absolutely nothing about, because it was happening during the hours when I wasn’t watching.

It makes sense, of course.  Homo sapiens is a diurnal species, as are deer.  We all sleep at night.  No matter how mindful I may be of my surroundings, there will always be lives being lived, sometimes mere feet away from me, that I know nothing about.  Still, this experience has sparked a new respect for the wonder and excitement to be found in life.  It’s so easy for us to think that we understand “what’s going on,” that reality is a known quantity.  If we discover that we don’t even really know what is happening in our physical environment, how certain should we be – about anything?  No matter how well we may think we are “on top of” our lives, we will continue to turn a corner, head down a driveway and walk straight into delight, and wonder, and beautiful, sweet new worlds.  

_________________________________________________

I offer 30 minute Exploration Sessions for new potential clients who want to get from where they are to where they want to be.  For the kinds of barriers that I am most effective in demolishing, the transformation I can drive is absolutely amazing.  People like you have been freed from a lifetime of 50-pound emotional packs they never knew they were lugging.  Trauma is healed.  Habits and addictions like smoking and poor nutrition are overcome.  Lives are transformed.  If you have a problem that I am not certified in or prefer not to work with, I'll tell you, and recommend a good alternative.  I love to show people ways to save money through effective between-visit work.

It all starts with an email or phone call. We can do very powerful healing work in any time zone, via the wonders of videoconferencing!   victoria.leo.reiki@gmail.com   www.soaringdragon.biz   253-203-6676 (Pacific Time, normal working hours M-F, Sat occasionally)