3 Things to NEVER Say to Someone Who's Just Lost a Pregnancy - and 3 Things to Not Forget

I just got an email from a business colleague en route to being a friend.  She’s lost several pregnancies and has to bid that dream of her life farewell permanently – two losses, both the present and the future.  Shattering. 

I lost my only child before she could be born.  People who have experienced other losses think they understand, but they can't.  Even a fellow of the child-loss fraternity can't, because every one of us is unique.  Losing your child is a deeper form of grief than anything else, because at the core of our souls we want to put ourselves between our children and all danger.  I would cheerfully have died to save my daughter-to-be, and when I couldn’t, I crawled into the grave with her, emotionally if not physically, for a very long time.  When we do all that is humanly possible, and it's just not enough, we slide into an unknown country.  We feel such desperate failure.  The very definition of “parent” has been violated and we blame ourselves.  We always blame ourselves. 

My friend experienced this loss six months ago, and is finally able to email about it.  She knew what she needed : some "doing" when she needed distraction, while she grieved and cried and lit incense and prayed, created memorials and memory books and every other healthy thing we do when we know better than it bottle it up and “just carry on.”

This kind of loss really is too devastating for you to say anything except I love you. 

Reach out and enfold them in love and then exert every fiber of strength in your being to just shut up – because 99% of us want to offer advice, and all of it is hurtful, in result if not in intention.  The thing you need to understand about your “helpful” advice is that it is, at its base, a very powerful need of YOURS.  The emotions of child-loss and indeed any loss awaken our own fears for our loved ones because we do understand emotionally how fragile human life is.  We want the grieving person to shut up, stop crying, talk and act “bravely,” because that’s what WE need to quiet our own fears.  We can’t just let ourselves feel pain and grief and fear and shame and everything else, and your raw, expressed emotion makes us so all-fired frightened we quite literally can’t stand it. 

And I understand.  So tell the person you love them and then leave the room.  Drop off the rum cake or the casserole, kiss them and get the heck out of there.

You want to share your words of wisdom because you want the bereaved to stop feeling.  You want so desperately to talk about God, about trying again or about adoption.  As for this latter, I natter on about the joys of adoption all the time.  After all, I’m adopted and I’m wonderful.  If someone is having trouble, and flinches from any thought of adopting, then I know that it’s the ego trip of reproduction and pseudo-immortality that they are desperate about, not the glorious adventure of nurturing, but that is a truth I rarely state out loud, unless someone gets really offensive about it.  I am not technically a mother, but I’ve nurtured children, for a decade in one case.  Love has nothing whatever to do with biology.  But I never, ever, talk about adoption to someone who has just lost a child.

Grieving is healthy.  Grieving actually gets you to a new path faster than “getting over it” quickly.  Some personalities, and some cultures (like New Zealand) value quiet grief to overt actions like my friend and I would take.  But the process is the same.  Don’t offer advice.  Just offer love and then shut up until it’s time to offer love again.  Hug IF the person values it and back off if they don’t, knowing that needs will shift over time and even in the space of 5 minutes.  I couldn’t bear to be touched, for years.  Others need hugs, hugs and more hugs.

Understand that the overwhelming need to advise is also born of ego – I know how you should think, and you don’t, so let me tell you.  When you understand that you don’t. it gives you the strength you need to shut up.  Hey, I’m a professional mental health practitioner, and what do I, in my brilliant wisdom, do in situations of loss?  I tell people I love them and then I shut up.  If they want to talk, I listen.  You know, that thing where your mouth is closed?  That one.  Except for empathetic “hmms” and echoing their feelings back (without launching into your “I can top your story,” another ego-driven urge), companionship without content I call it.

I so much wish I could hug my friend, but she’s 3000 miles away.  I wish I could tell her it will be a new path but one worth living, eventually, but it’s not time for that, and besides, I’m not God – how do I know, really? 

I tell her I love her, I send her Reiki and prayers, and I hope that her life will be joyful again someday.  It’s all that we can really do for each other.  And all we can do is always enough.

Grief support when you want it.  www.soaringdragon.biz/webinars-events.

How to Sell is A Variation on How To Get Anyone to Do AnyThing - A new approach for volunteer orgs as well as entrepreneurs

In entrepreneurship:

By now, you probably know that no one is going to purchase your high-value package or product “cold.”  People need to know, like and trust you.  You need to prove that you can do what they need, with strong social proof. 

Smart consultants like Ian Brodie (ianbrodie.com) and Meredith Eisenberg (mereditheisenberg.com & Time Traders) will tell you that you MUST begin your relationship with a prospective client by providing them with lots of real value.

Create a sales funnel by all means, just understand that people will be in various stages along the road, and make sure that you don’t give up on the people who just aren’t ready for your high-cost products yet.  Have something that they can use, now, and give them some easy, inexpensive entry ramp to the concept of spending money with you.

So you need to choose the enticement or gift that your prospects care about.  It's not just where they are at on the sales cycle, but the kind of Language that they prefer to hear most of the time.

In volunteer organizations, religious groups, other social situations where you want to encourage people to do something:

                You guessed it.  It’s the same situation, in different clothing.  You want the volunteers to want to volunteer more but they keep dropping out to attend to other needs or to join a different group.  The “reasons” are legion but they all come down to one thing: you haven’t convinced them to buy what you’re selling.  When YOU aren’t as committed to a group, you can be sure that they are not giving you what you need. 

                So how do you entice or reward your prospects or the other group you are trying to influence?  Don’t laugh: I have found great value in the Languages of Love concept.  Two decades ago, Gary Chapman outlined a framework to help people improve marriages, by getting people to understand what their partner really values.  I’ve been using this idea in business and social groups for about that long.  Chapman’s basic idea is that we humans tend to value 5 types of interactions, and some are more important to each of us than others.  They are Words of Appreciation; Physical Touch; Quality Time; Thoughtfully-Chosen Gifts; Acts of Service (doing something tangible to help me).

 

                Some people really just want to               be thanked, sincerely and regularly.  Other people want dedicated one-on-one time to discuss their concerns and be the center of your attention, regularly.  Other folks love the tangible swag.  And people like me love the people who use the sentence “Let me help you with that” regularly.  Acts of Service people value tangible help with problems and chores.

                This is how many volunteer-run groups run into trouble.  People will say that they have a lot of chores or they have to spend time with their kids, but the reality is that if the volunteering was something that they loved, they would do it with their kids and if they felt cherished and you were taking tasks off their list, they would take tasks off yours.  If people aren’t buying, it’s because what you’re offering is not what they need right now.  Cycle the offers to cover all the bases and Languages, or (if you’re clever) have people at different stages of the buy getting different offers. 

I remember spending years volunteer-teaching with a local organization.  The students were wonderful, engaged, funny, energizing people, and only a few other instructors taught as many classes – volunteered as many hours – as I did.  They appreciation events (Words of Appreciation) in which my name was honored, and they had food and appreciation events (maybe qualifies as Gifts), and the director was an incredible soul who gave you Quality Time when you needed it.  But an Acts of Service person like me never got what she really needed, which is an occasional exemption from the You Gotta Do This, You Can’t Do That that add stress, aggravation and problems to my day.  THAT is the only Language that means anything to me.  I don’t want to be thanked.  I don’t want pizza.  I want 10 less minutes of (to me, unnecessary) hassle.  I never got it.  When I found the same wonderful students in a less-inflexible world, I bailed.  Less dictation = Acts of Service.

When I was the Volunteer Director for a county government, I thanked the volunteers regularly (via email and events), I handed out high-quality swag (coffee-table books and bags were the hot “sellers”), I gave people my undivided attention when they needed it and I actively looked for ways to make life easier for them.  Most of the Languages were covered.

[Let’s dispose of the problematical one now.  The people who like Physical Touch, if they are appropriate, are the ones buffeting your shoulder, touching your arm when they want to emphasize a point or hugging you.  To deflect unwanted Touch, just say “Don’t hug me” or take the person aside and lay out a clear, courteous boundary, like “I’m uncomfortable when you .  Please respect my boundaries and don’t do that again.  I know you didn’t mean any harm, so I am sure that all will be well from now on.”  This is the one language that, because of the possibility of abuse, you might need to accept not being addressed.]

Applying this idea to my volunteers and to prospects is really helping me.  Hope it helps you too!

Visit me and my cool free stuff at www.soaringdragon.biz.  Links to free classes, You Tube, Learnitlive and more.....   You deserve to soar with dragons!

5 Reasons Why You Need and Deserve a Retreat....

I’m just back from a 4 day in-home spiritual retreat.  Phone and internet OFF.  No nasty political news.  None of the things we all react to.  No bills, no hassles, no external demands.  

For 4 days, I took guided hypnotherapy journeys with Belleruth Naperstek CDs, and my own specific journeys, and I posed issues to myself to resolve through insight-journaling – pages and pages of insight and solutions and pain and sunlight at the end of the battle.  Exercise taking care of ¾ of an acre on the weekend, when my usual gym classes don’t run; no diminution of my traditional good sweat every day.  Healthy eating. 5 hours of Reiki energy healing every day.  A long, detailed visit with angels, goddesses and the Runes. 

The results were as amazing as always: insights and ideas for action pouring from my pen; powerful journeys that left me lighter of the barriers and darkness that bedevil our lives.  Staring into the abyss, alone with myself, until the abyss started to yield answers.  Inviting levels of unexpressed pain, because it’s through pain getting out of our bodies that we become free.  Realizing how much there is yet to do. 

Engel’s book on traumatic shame is must reading for anyone who has experienced childhood abuse or neglect, especially, although it is also a factor in adult traumas as well.  The emphasis on being strong can be so cruel when circumstances are truthfully that no one could be physically strong enough, or emotionally strong enough (unless you’re a sociopath). 

My work involves powerful transformations through reaching skillfully into the deep unconscious to change, eliminate, add beliefs and conclusions that are absolutely not accessible through ordinary (surface) means like affirmations and “thinking positive.”  So the healer needs to take time to heal herself from time to time.

I recommend these concentrated retreats!  Find a friend or relative who needs a house-sitter for a few days and hole up.  Nix the social media.  Say sayonara to the news.  Turn it all OFF and listen to the sound of your heart and soul.  

After you stop screaming, the insights will come tripping lightly or exploding into existence; each breakthrough has its own sound and flavor.  But they will come.  Get Dr. Naperstek’s CDs or get a session with me.  Bring some creative exploration from my new book 101 Stress Busters for Energy, Joy and Healthy Longevity.

You’ll be glad you did!

The REAL Reason You Are Nervous About Public Speaking. And Maybe Keep Missing Goals as Well? Check this out....

I want to bring my interview with Shirley Dalton to your attention, and for a specific reason. Sure, I mention my new class for entrepreneurs and her fun products, but the REAL reason I want you to listen is because I made a colossal mistake, on the air, and didn't even realize it until after I listened to the recording. It's what I call a Somebody Please Shoot Me (SPSM) moment. We all have them. I am an experienced speaker and have been healing and transforming lives with these specific tools for about 17 years. Yet I goofed and didn't even hear myself do it until it was too late to fix.

And I was totally OK after about 10 seconds of SPSM. I laughed and called my husband who said, "Oh, dear." He grew up in the south. "Oh, no," is as harsh as the language gets.

And this fear of a SPSM moment is 100% why so many people fear public speaking, and so many people want to write books or become rutabaga farmers or train for a marathon - and don't do it. At a very deep level of our unconscious minds, there is a collection of neurons that remember shame and humiliation from childhood and start screaming NOOOOOOOO.

But here's the key: you don't have to feel shame and humiliation. Those feelings arise naturally from thoughts. If you do deep hypnotherapy on the thoughts and eliminate the conclusions that you've been humiliated, that no one will respect you, that you are (fill in the blanks) , then the feelings only come up for 10 seconds - and then you genuinely laugh. Spanish proverb We make plans; God laughs. So I laugh along.

My recommendation for today: journal about what you're afraid of. Dig deep into those barriers. Admit that the barriers exist. Start the process with memories that sting, breathe into them and say, "So what? So, idiots laughed at me. I made a mistake. It happens. Life is good." Keep breathing and reciting until the feelings subside. [Then sign up for a 30 day program with me, and dig that stuff out by the roots and never be bothered by it ever again - and watch career, business, book, exercise or rutabagas soar into the sky.]

https://www.voiceamerica.com/…/strategic-self-care-for-entr…

And I'm guessing you'd rather know what my SPSM moment was? So you can listen for it? Well, it was a humdinger. I said the green chakra is the throat. It is, and always will be, your heart - of course. Stress does amazing things to brain function..... [See my new book 101 Stress Busters for all the fun ways to reduce stress so you have fewer SPSM moments.]

These moments WILL happen. When they do, laugh. And then let go.

www.soaringdragon.biz

Victoria C Leo