Shopping, Gift Cards, Re-Gifting and how to tell if people really love you.....

Is it Love Or Just Image?

I need to say something about the prevailing ideology that says that a "real gift" is some object that was chosen and wrapped. It's supposed to be special. The person really put effort into it, they really thought about it. Which means that: They Really Love You.

Not like those pseudo-loved ones who just gave you a gift card. [Sometimes this same insult is launched at folks who get you a sweater or other "I don't know what the hell you really want in your life right now because Hawaii for a week is too expensive and you don't tell me anything else" generic gift.]

If you don't think about it analytically and just keep it all in the (emotions) limbic system, yes, indeed, that makes 100% perfect sense. After all, a specific object was picked out, at a brick and mortar or online. It was chosen. Presumably while visions of the love between you danced in the buyer's brain.

Let me tell you what happened when I got out my ubiquitous pad of paper and did Pros and Cons, in the focused way that I describe in 101 Stress Buster for Energy, Joy and Healthy Longevity.

https://www.amazon.com/Busters-Healthy-Longevity-Through-Barriers-ebook/dp/B01MZ4HNRZ

A physical object for someone that you know at a really deep level, because they have deep and important conversations with you, and they give you 100% accurate feedback on any previous gifts: Yes, you are likely to hit the bulls-eye and match their loves of the moment, or what matters to them at a deep level long-term.

And how many human beings do you really know that well? Who tell you the 100% honest (negative) truth about your previous loving impulses?

Did I tell my sister that I look ghastly in orange? Nope. I love her and miss her so much (she lives 9000 miles away) so even before she got her terminal-cancer diagnosis, I wore the blouse a lot because it made me feel close to her. And who cares if the colors are wrong, because when I'm happy, my face glows. Did I tell my best friend that she has never, ever gotten me anything I could love and would she stop gifting? Well, the latter part, because I am encouraging us all to stop shopping and start beefing up our retirement accounts, finance more education for ourselves, and etc. But the former? Nope.

Americans are hurt by truth around gifting. It's not in our culture. So I smile, accept the love that was the true gift, and find a good person who really needs and would love the physical object. Physical objects don't matter. LOVE IS WHAT MATTERS. The physical object is just the carrying case.

What gifts do I truly love? [Hubby, too.] Gift cards. Yes. The ability to get something that I REALLY love, that I haven't told anyone about because how often does "I really wish I could afford the 1st season of XXX" come up in conversation? I don't talk about my secret desires. Neither do you.

And we all have our peculiarities. If I love something, you can send me dozens of examples (stuffed animals, for example) and as long as I still love it, I love it. But my other sister finally told me to quit with the cookbooks - bless her. Because I was finding all kinds of cool ones. For someone who really isn't crazy to try all those recipes. Which I should have known. Maybe. But for nearly all of us, the things that we love tend to be very specific. Natural stuffed animals, not "cutesy" ones. I love nature and animals, real animals, so I love natural stuffed animals. Would someone who doesn't live next door know that, no matter how deeply loved? Well, I can't remember EVER saying that to anyone, and I've, in deep meditation, gone back YEARS.

So here's my suggestion: Give up the image of love and generosity that buying "things" conveys. Give real love. Write a long, heartfelt letter and save the "thing" postage. Enclose a gift card to somewhere you know s/he shops and let them get that silly secret desire that they would not otherwise convince themselves that they "deserve" - because they have retirement, college and property taxes that come ahead in the queue for spending.

Research says that even $10 off allows us to "feel" that it's logical to buy a thing. And a $10 gift card is just that little "It's OK" message that can push your loved one to plunge for that thing that you would never, ever have imagined they love. I won't tell you some of the secret desires of my soul that even my husband doesn't know about..... He doesn't need to. His loving gift is "Go ahead." I decide what I really, really desire, and get it. And hide it. Until Solstice eve.

Whether you choose "things" or just love or a gift card, do please meditate on the judgment that one is better than another, or that one conveys more love than another (including the always-pernicious "how much did it cost?" calculation). How much someone loves you is a summation of actions and thoughtful words over 365 days, not a conclusion based on one action, the full ramifications of which you do NOT know, no matter how much you think you know about them and their situation.

And re-gifting? Again, there is ego [I spent X $ and XX amount of time choosing it just for them and they don't value it, so they don't value me]. The 2nd half of that does not follow from the first! The fact that I look hideous in orange doesn't mean that I don't love my sister nor does it mean that she doesn't love me. It was a gift from her closet (she's a lovely lady with different colors) and her heart, emphasis on the latter. My mother took every appliance my sister gave her, and gave it away. Sis got mad. But mom didn't want stuff. She enjoyed helping others. So mom used the gifts to get the warm fuzzies she craved and a kitchen devoid of "unnecessary" appliances. She considered a clothes washes unnecessary, just to give you a hint.

If you are counting the time and money, then the gift isn't about love, it's about payback. If you're not giving and letting go of the outcome, then don't, for heaven's sake, give anyone anything - ever! If you aren't OK with letting the recipient decide what to do with it, it's not a gift, it's an attempt to control.

So - here's my thought. I think that if you know people who need and want X, if you get an X and don't want/need the physical object, and you give it to those who will be filled with joy to receive it..... Aren't you spreading love and reducing suffering in the world? Isn't the person who gifted you, not only giving YOU love but also helping others? is there any faith or wisdom tradition on Earth that does not have a sentence in their canon about feeding the hungry and housing the homeless and other acts of sharing? I've got two grad degrees, so I have combed the lit on this one. There really isn't one.

So spend hours picking out specific gifts, if that is your idea of having fun - but if you are gunny-sacking obligation along with the physical object, then leave it on the shelf. Give whatever you want to give, without strings attached and feel your heart be at peace. The love was conveyed and the moment will always be treasured, as love should always be treasured. Hand it over and let it soar as the recipient wills, to their closet, to their holiday-for-the homeless bag or to the neighbor who really, really needs it.

Give it some meditation and see what you think....

Books: e-book or print form, wherever you prefer to buy books: https://www.amazon.com/Red-State-Blue-Heart-Victoria/dp/1974032272/

https://www.amazon.com/Journey-Out-SAD-Seasonal-Expanded-ebook/dp/B01KN72IT0/

If you or someone you love gets "down" in winter or has year-round depression, you need this book!

Website: www.soaringdragon.biz

www.youtube.com/user/humanbio4everyone/videos Inspiration, 5 Breaths technique, eating plans, stress-busting for the holidays - and more.

Online classes: https://blastthruthosebarriers.thinkific.com/courses Lose weight, get healthier, BEAT PAIN without drugs... and more

https://www.facebook.com/Soaring-Dragon-295337430525356/

Surviving Thanksgiving - with joy and genuine gratitude!

Families, these days as I suspect, always, don't always have a lot in common..... so conversation can be commonplace or contentious [the ever inappropriate "When are you going to get married/get the career that *I* want you to pursue, etc.?"] but it is only very rarely charming, witty, engaging and fun.

Hence we need something to do with the beloved family that we nagged to come visit us. What the heck do you do after all the rushing around for the meal, and the after-meal ball game, are over?

Movies are popular - people can enjoy AND SHUT UP for two hours, hallelujah. Going out somewhere - zoo, museum, etc. works if it isn't Puget Sound (always raining) or Snow Zone (unless you can get them skiing, making snow people and castles, etc.).

Another idea is to set up creativity projects. Get the contentious people out of the house by any means (an attraction, get them arrested, don't invite them in the first place, whatever works), then settle in with:

** Coloring station. I LOVE this and so do more and more people. Get some nature oriented natural scenes from Dover Publications. Heaven.

** Go to Joanne's or Michael's and buy holiday ornament kits and chivvy, nag, encourage everyone to grab one and start painting.

There are also decorations to be painted. Get the kids involved if it's not suitable for outdoor running around.

Creating things generates biochemical changes in the body that leads to happy feelings! Consider paper-based mosaics and other fun outlined in my book 101 Stress Busters.

https://www.amazon.com/Busters-Healthy-Longevity-Through-Barriers-ebook/dp/B01MZ4HNRZ (ebook or print)

While you are creating, get the older folks reminiscing about their childhoods. What did they do to create? Did they sew their clothes? Could they teach you how? Did they ever take art classes? Did they have unmarried siblings or cousins? Were any of them creative?

You get the picture. Steer the conversation AWAY from the traditional things they did at Thanksgiving, with large families and people who only lived 5 miles away from each other. They nag and complain about you, because they want to keep things static, but the arrow of time moves, and what used to be happy and healthy no longer is, for many of us.

If you can get it going, ** having everyone right a letter to their future self, ten years in the future, making predictions, expressing hopes and dreams - and DON'T SHARE THEM or they won't be honest and real.

How about, while you're coloring, ** have people dream-vacation. Sure, there will be the usual tropical island, because Americans don't get enough rest and holiday time, and we have more reasons for anxiety, with no health care, fewer good jobs and an uncertain economic future BUT keep the conversation going, dig down deep, ask for details. They can dream of more than sunscreen and lying in the sun, doing nothing, if they are forced to. No one is really that dull-witted. Suggest excursions. Would they reef-snorkle? Take a boat to a nearby island and picnic?

And maybe, if you're lucky, have people write down a gratitude list, and put the lists in a bowl and pick a list and read it, with respect, without trying to figure out who dunnit, and without shaming or criticizing the writer. True gratitude, beyond the platitudes, is what this holiday is all about.

The original thanksgiving day was in Virginia. The folks prayed, ate some seafood and went to bed. That might not be practical unless you live alone or with someone equally spiritual, but the closer you can get to the true spirit of humility and gratitude, the happier you will be when you wake up on National Leftovers Day (aka Black Friday).

Bless us all, every one.

SO much of how we feel about our lives has to do with our daily interactions with others - from the folks we see every day, to the seemingly "unimportant" little things. I am thinking about two very different travel incidents....

Amtrak: for sit-down meals, you are seated family-style. So I was traveling alone and the server directed a group of three to my table. But they took a look at me and then swerved to quickly sit down at the next completely-unoccupied table (which boogered up the overall seating plan for the servers). The server had pointed them where to go, and had to take a deep breath to not let the exasperation show. Their explanation was that they "Didn't want to split up." Obviously, since they would still be all together at the table in any case, they wanted to keep the conversation within the group and not have to meet someone new. We Amtrak-lovers enjoy the fun people you meet at meals, and I missed the positive energy that mealtimes always have.

But I remembered it a week later when I was on Alaska Air, on a 1/3 filled flight where I had the aisle and a quiet young gent was blissing out on his ipod in the window seat. The flight attendant came thru the cabin and told us that we could move anywhere we wanted. "Meh," sez me. "Do you want to move? I'll get up, no problem." He didn't care to move either. very little chatting but a comfortable energy for the flight.

Such a difference. Lots more room at table on Amtrak, but it felt, in its own little way, lonelier. Even when we don't say it in words, there is a comfort in being welcomed, in having one's presence valued.

As we approach the holiday of Thanksgiving, let's look for ways to be welcoming, to be grateful for the little acts of "yes" that we can incorporate into every day. There are NO little human acts.

_____________________________

Looking for some great holiday gifts? BOOKS! Help your loved ones get healthier and happier with the 2nd edition of 101 Healthy Meals in 5 Minutes or Less - on Amazon for Nov 25th! In bookstores by mid-December.

https://www.amazon.com/Red-State-Blue-Heart-Victoria/dp/1974032272/ A funny memoir!

https://www.amazon.com/Busters-Healthy-Longevity-Through-Barriers-ebook/dp/B01MZ4HNRZ 101 Stress Busters - really 87 ways to have great fun AND lengthen your life!

https://www.amazon.com/Journey-Out-SAD-Seasonal-Expanded-ebook/dp/B01KN72IT0/ The best guide to avoiding winter depression, and help year-round depression!

4 Powerful Reasons Why You Have to Listen to Rudolph ... every day from Thanksgiving to New Years

Don't you just hate it when you have to listen to Rudolph and Frosty prior to December 24th??

No? Me, neither!

I put up holiday wreaths on the doors the week before Halloween. I have decorations in the windows now. Gonna start listening to holiday songs and singing lustily with them for two solid months...

WHY? you ask.

Yeah, I know, having holidays go on and on can be annoying. What other cultures do is they have numerous holidays throughout the year. It reminds people of joy and love and the essential sweetness of life at regular intervals year-round.

We benighted savages of the USA really only have two holidays - July 4th (one day, big deal) - and the period from Thanksgiving to New Years. We are forced to work too many hours, with no or expensive health care "benefits", we have practically no holidays, we spend our weekends doing the chores that we can't do during the week. We are the most anxious people on Earth - and no wonder! Every other industrialized nation on earth removes the basic worries of life - health care and education, elder care help and baby care support - so that citizens can soar and strive and live good lives.

So we are exhausted, scared/worried and desperately needing rest most of the time.

When you only have one extended holiday, when you have to pack a year's worth of joyful play into one month of weekends and (if you're lucky) a week off from the long-hours grind.....

Even I, who absolutely practice what I preach and do the 5 Tools every day of the year, yearns for the plethora of official holidays that the rest of the world enjoys. Sure I make every Sunday a spiritual and creative oasis, but - it IS more fun to have fun when the rest of the community is smiling as well.

So - tired of Rudolph by Dec 1st? Have compassion on the rest of us holiday-deprived revelers. And work for a nation where the national good trumps corporate greed. Bless us all, every one.

More Gorgeous Oregon by Train!

Gorgeous Northwest Fall by Train: We all need more Me-Time, rest time, self-care time. Here's a way to get it!

So why do I love to travel by train? Well, lotsa leg room, bathrooms when you want them, snacks and full meals ditto. Trains go as fast as traffic in the flat portions of the country. Slow down in the mountains; trade off is spectacular views as you hug the side of a very big rock. Stretch your legs stops every 4 hours.

SO - let me SHOW you what I mean.... I will take you along on a recent trip home from Seattle to southern Oregon.

Starting with the spacious interior in Business Class. Quite empty and only adults. The families (and crying babies) stay in cheaper Coach. Business is wonderful. It's quiet, you have an attendant to pamper you, you get $ off meals. I only pay $30 more on the Coast Starlight on this 400 mile trip. It's even cheaper on the short-haul Cascades. Everyone is banging away on laptops or watching the scenery with headphones. Did I mention the Observation Car? But Business seat is much quieter and almost as scenic. Bliss. Me Time or work time. WiFi in Business. In my photo below, I am alternating photos with working on my first novel.

And my ever-present crochet, in this case creating warm clothing for low-income families in my community. [If you want to learn to make things with your own hands - what a thrill of power! - just ask.]

The next series of shots are Puget Sound.... In coming days, follow my trip south!

Next time: glorious central/west Washington, from south South to the mighty Columbia River!

www.soaringdragon.biz

Need a "Win" to Cheer Up Your Day? Learn about some warriors for the planet....

https://www.nationalgeographic.com/adventure/destinations/africa/south-africa/black-mambas-anti-poaching-wildlife-rhino-team/



www.soaringdragon.biz

Do Insurance Companies have more impact on how long you live than the drug companies? Some new data to think about!

Publications aimed at doctors are where I get a lot of my health information. This article on the role of health insurance companies in not only the opioid epidemic, but the overall cost and effectiveness of medicine - and the reason why we as Americans DON'T live as long as Europeans, Canadians and others is chillingly logical.

https://www.medpagetoday.com/blogs/revolutionandrevelation/68935

The Real Reason to Not "Ghost" People - it's not altruism!

One of the most demoralizing experiences in modern life is being unemployed when you want to work. Anything that makes that process more onerous is something that you, as an employer, should think very, very carefully about. The article attached is about ghosting (you stop responding to emails when you lose interest in a candidate), a choice that more and more organizations are making.

As a job-seeker, you know how demoralizing this is.

But let me speak to the companies who are doing this, because ghosting is a choice that will harm you, both short and long-term.

As this author says, more and more angry people will let the world know how you behave. The really good candidates will give you the heave-ho, because a toxic work culture shows up in how the company disrespects potential employees.

There's a more important and immediate reason to cut this out, though, guys: People NEVER forget an insult. Never.

So many times, when I was an employee, a company that blew me off for one opportunity later wanted me for another. In one case in particular, they recruited me vigorously from my then-employer. Three years later. I had the immense joy of telling them of my previous experience and that I wouldn't work for them under any circumstances - and would make sure that they didn't recruit anyone else at my company either. SWEET.

Three thousand years ago, a very wise man said that winning a victory and crushing your enemies (ghosting your unwanted candidates) leads you only to sorrow because the crushed may lie down in defeat, but their hearts are burning for revenge. Increasing the number of people who hate your guts, will tell the world, and will thwart you when YOU want something - and you will, my dears, you will - later on is never a good business policy.

Courtesy is not just the ethical path. It is the long-term self-interest path. I'd walk it, if I were you. Create a kindly and generous "no, thanks" email, make a macro and send to everyone you don't have a need for right now, and sow the good will that you will need later on.

https://onlinecareertips.com/2017/10/respond-youre-victim-ghosting/