Surviving Thanksgiving - with joy and genuine gratitude!

Families, these days as I suspect, always, don't always have a lot in common..... so conversation can be commonplace or contentious [the ever inappropriate "When are you going to get married/get the career that *I* want you to pursue, etc.?"] but it is only very rarely charming, witty, engaging and fun.

Hence we need something to do with the beloved family that we nagged to come visit us. What the heck do you do after all the rushing around for the meal, and the after-meal ball game, are over?

Movies are popular - people can enjoy AND SHUT UP for two hours, hallelujah. Going out somewhere - zoo, museum, etc. works if it isn't Puget Sound (always raining) or Snow Zone (unless you can get them skiing, making snow people and castles, etc.).

Another idea is to set up creativity projects. Get the contentious people out of the house by any means (an attraction, get them arrested, don't invite them in the first place, whatever works), then settle in with:

** Coloring station. I LOVE this and so do more and more people. Get some nature oriented natural scenes from Dover Publications. Heaven.

** Go to Joanne's or Michael's and buy holiday ornament kits and chivvy, nag, encourage everyone to grab one and start painting.

There are also decorations to be painted. Get the kids involved if it's not suitable for outdoor running around.

Creating things generates biochemical changes in the body that leads to happy feelings! Consider paper-based mosaics and other fun outlined in my book 101 Stress Busters.

https://www.amazon.com/Busters-Healthy-Longevity-Through-Barriers-ebook/dp/B01MZ4HNRZ (ebook or print)

While you are creating, get the older folks reminiscing about their childhoods. What did they do to create? Did they sew their clothes? Could they teach you how? Did they ever take art classes? Did they have unmarried siblings or cousins? Were any of them creative?

You get the picture. Steer the conversation AWAY from the traditional things they did at Thanksgiving, with large families and people who only lived 5 miles away from each other. They nag and complain about you, because they want to keep things static, but the arrow of time moves, and what used to be happy and healthy no longer is, for many of us.

If you can get it going, ** having everyone right a letter to their future self, ten years in the future, making predictions, expressing hopes and dreams - and DON'T SHARE THEM or they won't be honest and real.

How about, while you're coloring, ** have people dream-vacation. Sure, there will be the usual tropical island, because Americans don't get enough rest and holiday time, and we have more reasons for anxiety, with no health care, fewer good jobs and an uncertain economic future BUT keep the conversation going, dig down deep, ask for details. They can dream of more than sunscreen and lying in the sun, doing nothing, if they are forced to. No one is really that dull-witted. Suggest excursions. Would they reef-snorkle? Take a boat to a nearby island and picnic?

And maybe, if you're lucky, have people write down a gratitude list, and put the lists in a bowl and pick a list and read it, with respect, without trying to figure out who dunnit, and without shaming or criticizing the writer. True gratitude, beyond the platitudes, is what this holiday is all about.

The original thanksgiving day was in Virginia. The folks prayed, ate some seafood and went to bed. That might not be practical unless you live alone or with someone equally spiritual, but the closer you can get to the true spirit of humility and gratitude, the happier you will be when you wake up on National Leftovers Day (aka Black Friday).

Bless us all, every one.

SO much of how we feel about our lives has to do with our daily interactions with others - from the folks we see every day, to the seemingly "unimportant" little things. I am thinking about two very different travel incidents....

Amtrak: for sit-down meals, you are seated family-style. So I was traveling alone and the server directed a group of three to my table. But they took a look at me and then swerved to quickly sit down at the next completely-unoccupied table (which boogered up the overall seating plan for the servers). The server had pointed them where to go, and had to take a deep breath to not let the exasperation show. Their explanation was that they "Didn't want to split up." Obviously, since they would still be all together at the table in any case, they wanted to keep the conversation within the group and not have to meet someone new. We Amtrak-lovers enjoy the fun people you meet at meals, and I missed the positive energy that mealtimes always have.

But I remembered it a week later when I was on Alaska Air, on a 1/3 filled flight where I had the aisle and a quiet young gent was blissing out on his ipod in the window seat. The flight attendant came thru the cabin and told us that we could move anywhere we wanted. "Meh," sez me. "Do you want to move? I'll get up, no problem." He didn't care to move either. very little chatting but a comfortable energy for the flight.

Such a difference. Lots more room at table on Amtrak, but it felt, in its own little way, lonelier. Even when we don't say it in words, there is a comfort in being welcomed, in having one's presence valued.

As we approach the holiday of Thanksgiving, let's look for ways to be welcoming, to be grateful for the little acts of "yes" that we can incorporate into every day. There are NO little human acts.

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Looking for some great holiday gifts? BOOKS! Help your loved ones get healthier and happier with the 2nd edition of 101 Healthy Meals in 5 Minutes or Less - on Amazon for Nov 25th! In bookstores by mid-December.

https://www.amazon.com/Red-State-Blue-Heart-Victoria/dp/1974032272/ A funny memoir!

https://www.amazon.com/Busters-Healthy-Longevity-Through-Barriers-ebook/dp/B01MZ4HNRZ 101 Stress Busters - really 87 ways to have great fun AND lengthen your life!

https://www.amazon.com/Journey-Out-SAD-Seasonal-Expanded-ebook/dp/B01KN72IT0/ The best guide to avoiding winter depression, and help year-round depression!

Fun Food!

A new recipe!

I decided to try some new things for my new cookbook (following up 101 Healthy Meals in 5 Minutes or Less!) and this one is going to a potluck tomorrow.

I start with a reasonably healthy commercial cornbread mix, add 2 eggs or egg white, some applesauce, lots of cinnamon.

The applesauce adds nice natural sugar and enough water that I can skip the usual milk. It's great, low cal too, well as a dessert, LOL.

What are you thankful for?

If you are like most Americans, you will gather around an over-loaded table of food tomorrow, for the Thanksgiving Day obligatory eat-fest.  If you are fortunate, someone will suggest that you all give short speeches about What You Are Thankful For, before you dig in.

It’s better than just digging in, of course.  But let’s be honest – most of these ThankFests are very superficial.  I’m thankful for my family.  Or my friends.  Whoever is in the room with me and will remember if I DON’T go down that timeworn road.  I’m thankful for my health.  Or my obliviousness, when spoken by people who don’t get tests and checkups from a reputable doctor regularly.  My mother-in-law thanked god for her good health every year, including the Thanksgiving just before she was diagnosed with the colon cancer that she could have completely averted if she hadn’t insisted that having an easy, simple colonoscopy was “claiming” cancer.  So let’s say that you either have or imagine that you have some level of good health.  Most of us grab that old chestnut and quit.  End of introspection until next year.

What most of us really are thankful for is our income, and our place and prestige in the world.  Who has the courage to say that they aren’t really thankful for their economic good fortune, both because it is usually considered unseemly bragging to admit you are doing quite a bit better than just Middle Middle Class, and because we really do believe that our success is 100% attributable to our own cleverness, thank you very much?  We focus so much of our precious life energy in jockeying for position, either in an organization or directly in the marketplace.  If we had what we define as a Good Year, because we got money, power and prestige enough to please us, we aren’t going to be honest and say so.  And if we fell short by society’s estimation, which becomes our estimation at a deep level, then we have yet another reason to put on a fake Happy Face and utter the usual platitude or make a joke of the whole Thankfulness thing.

So, go ahead and get through the social amenities as best you can.  Just don’t forget that gratitude – real gratitude – has been clinically shown to move mountains.  It shields you from flu bugs, cleans out your arteries, lowers your blood sugar and gives you more years of genuine good health, if you practice it regularly.  The only Gotcha is that it has to be real gratitude.  Genuine gratitude differs from the posturing and positioning around the groaning table in that it’s foundation is surrender to the reality that whatever sadness comes to you isn’t 100% caused by your DNA and blatant stupidity.  Some of your sadness is better explained as bad luck, a spiritual process like karma involving thousands of generations, or other processes that you can’t control and don’t need to waste your time trying to be angry about.  Real gratitude also comes from a place where you know that your Good Times are never 100% about you.  They are a gift from the universe, from the luck of the cosmic bouncing dice or from processes that you can’t game and can’t predict.  A stranger or a new acquaintance gives you exactly what you need, a gift that fills you with awe, pleasant shock and, if you’re prepared, with genuine gratitude.  For that moment, you are standing in a spotlight of love, joy and ease, that you didn’t create and can’t control.

When I’m not feeling it, it’s because I am tunnel-visioned on what’s wrong with my world.  Which, at various times in my life, has encompassed every single realm of generally-accepted Life.  Visualize me at a total loss, finally coming up with “I am grateful that I don’t have cancer… that I don’t have diabetes….. that I don’t have a broken leg; I can walk… that I don’t have….”  Imagine me finally realize that I was working as a college prof of human anatomy and had a mental list of about 5,000 health problems I didn’t have (making the few I DID have seem pretty paltry), and laughing at myself.  At which point, real gratitude had a chance.  

If you are stuck with unaware family or friends on The Day, find a way to sneak off with your journal, meditate and let something real happen for you.  [Writing gets you out of your head; it’s magical.]  Perhaps you can Skype or email someone who will understand.  If not, you will have created pockets of time and space in which you can feel and express that which you can’t express publicly.

What a wondrous thing is gratitude.  May it move mountains for you this Thanksgiving weekend, and the rest of the holiday month of December.  

The Surest Road to Peace of Mind

I know, it's pretty funny.  But if you really meditate on this simple "joke," how profound it really is.  

How often do we get caught up in someone's else's drama, someone else's emotional snares, because we get "hooked" by one of the Three Horsemen of Disaster:

>  We are trying to change someone.  You know you can't do that, right?  Really know it?  Take a long, slow deep breath.  It isn't even your business.  You weren't put on this earth to tell other adults - regardless of how much you love them or how much DNA you share with them - how to behave or what choices to make in their lives.  If they are harming you, get away from them.  Otherwise, not your circus.

> We are trying to force an outcome.  This doesn't mean the same as changing someone's nature or their take on things.  It usually means a circus involving more than one person, which is more insane than a circus with just one flying monkey.  You can't make things come out the way you want them, no matter how many vision boards you create.  God may or may not exist.  What's for sure, is that it ain't you.  Let go.

> We are trying to defend ourselves. The worst of the three! In addition to not being able to control other people's behavior, you also can't change how other people think, including how they think about you.  Even if you are being judged based on something other than facts (or the facts that you know).  Even if it's terribly, horribly unfair.  Even if no one asked you what "really happened."  Even so.  You 100% cannot, and will not, ever, ever, ever have the power to control your image with others.  They are going to think what they think.  They are going to talk about you.  They are going to spread false rumors and tear down your reputation.  Your integrity is what you know about yourself.  Your reputation is what others know about you.  Guard the one; ignore the other.  What others think about you is not your circus.

Keeping other people's circus from poisoning YOUR peace of mind is probably the #1 challenge of this time of year, the season of family togetherness and - love?  

Martha Beck had a suggestion years ago about how to survive family holidays with less-than-optimal families: she suggested that you and your sane friends each create a Bingo card in which each segment represents a Circus event (Uncle Harry gets drunk; Dad starts a rant about race; Mom asks me when I am going to get married - or divorced).  Keep track as the holidays pass.  The first person to get a winning Bingo row calls the others and we celebrate.  By taking the focus off the Circus and onto the game, it helps the players to avoid being hooked by the obnoxious comments that tempt you to "defend" what never needs defending - your life choices.  [If you break a law, you might need to defend your choices to a jury or risk prison, but otherwise - no.]

If you can chuck all those monkeys, peace of mind is a cinch.  Call me for a training session on who owns the Circus.  www.soaringdragon.biz

3 Reasons Why You DO Want to Create a Yearly Newsletter (aka Christmas Letter)

 I admit it.  I love to write yearly newsletters.  I even enjoy – for a totally different reason – receiving them.

Yet so many of you don’t – and I completely understand.  I agree that many of them are non-stop brag-fests that can leave you feeling less-than.  If you believe them.  And that’s the key to enjoying them!

If you choose to read newsletters with the expectation of being amused at people’s attempts to convince you (and themselves) that their life is so totally, mermerizingly perfect, they will succeed in entertaining you, minus the comparison-induced depression.

Think about it: you know the reality of your own life and it’s never perfect.  If you compare that reality with the glorious, victorious image projected by others, of COURSE you will think that they are doing so much better in life than you are.

Take a deep breath.  Take another.  Take a third, nice and slow and deep.  Ready for a revelation?  Here it is:  you can read, laugh and throw it in the dustbin.  Laughing is good for your cardiovascular system.

You can also, if you are patient, help guide these misguided souls into more authentic communication with you.  You start by getting off the From Success to Glorious Success treadmill yourself.  

When my husband was facing a devastating layoff, I was matter-of-fact about our worries for the future, and a request for prayers.  I share all the things I’m trying in my business, not just the stuff that worked. 

The big key to why good people (not the jerks of the family) really enjoy our yearly newsletter is that I make it funny.  Sometimes I poke fun at us, like the year I was so frustrated with my boss at the university where I was teaching that I took out my frustrations on the back hedge.  You can understand the depths of my anger when I tell you that I saved us $1000 in hedge trimming services.  You can laugh when I asked for power tools for my birthday and hubby said absolutely not, that he likes having a hedge not a low shrub! Or The Astronomy Widow tells a funny story about hubby’s obsession.  The crazy antics that pet parents get into when one of the darlings is sick and needs a pill.  The Abbott and Costello-esque Victoria-does-home-repair. 

Every issue has a deep point or two. One of us details a profoundly moving experience at a funeral.  We share how we honored the 10^th anniversary of earning a new graduate degree, that put no money in our pocket but enriches our life every day.  A brave mama deer is killed by the local cougar, and her two orphaned fawns are adopted by another mama deer, who successfully raises all four to adulthood. 

If you create a document that shares from the heart, instead of showing off, you might encourage a wiser approach to life among others.  The Grand Canyon grew over millions of year through the constant action of insubstantial water on seemingly solid rock.  You never know what influence you might be having, and you are 100 times more likely to be influential if you stop trying to be! 

As Shakespeare has Hotspur tell Glendower, “Tell the truth and shame the devil!”  If you start creating yearly newsletters that are fun, that are real – though edited for privacy and need-to-know – and that are from the heart, you next task is to not give a damn what any recipient thinks of you, your life and your newsletter.  When you are in that blessed place, you can mail your yearly snippet-of-life out with a joyous heart.  A gift that is given with absolutely no strings attached leaves you joyous and free.  A creation that does not rely on being praised floats high in the sky, free of anyone’s ability to trample it in the dust.

Don’t give up yearly newsletters, grasshopper.  Enjoy the creation.  Set them free to float on the breeze, to whatever new world they may land in.