I bought a plaque a few years ago: it says NOT MY CIRCUS. NOT MY MONKEYS. I know, it's pretty funny. But if you really meditate on this simple "joke," how profound it really is.
How often do we get caught up in someone's else's drama, someone else's emotional snares, because we get "hooked" by one of the Three Horsemen of Disaster:
> We are trying to change someone. You know you can't do that, right? Really know it? Take a long, slow deep breath. It isn't even your business. You weren't put on this earth to tell other adults - regardless of how much you love them or how much DNA you share with them - how to behave or what choices to make in their lives. If they are harming you, get away from them. Otherwise, not your circus.
> We are trying to force an outcome. This doesn't mean the same as changing someone's nature or their take on things. It usually means a circus involving more than one person, which is more insane than a circus with just one flying monkey. You can't make things come out the way you want them, no matter how many vision boards you create. God may or may not exist. What's for sure, is that it ain't you. Let go of trying to control absolutely everything in the whole wide world, including all the outcomes of your life.
> We are trying to defend ourselves. The worst of the three! In addition to not being able to control other people's behavior, you also can't change how other people think, including how they think about you. Even if you are being judged based on something other than facts (or the facts that you know). Even if it's terribly, horribly unfair. Even if no one asked you what "really happened." Even so. You 100% cannot, and will not, ever, ever, ever have the power to control your image with others. They are going to think what they think. They are going to talk about you. They are going to spread false rumors and tear down your reputation. Your integrity is what you know about yourself. Your reputation is what others know about you. Guard the one; ignore the other. What others think about you is not your circus.
Keeping other people's circuses from poisoning YOUR peace of mind is probably the #1 challenge of our lives.
Martha Beck had a suggestion years ago about how to survive family holidays with less-than-optimal families: she suggested that you and your sane friends each create a Bingo card in which each segment represents a Circus event (Uncle Harry gets drunk; Dad starts a rant about race; Mom asks me when I am going to get married - or divorced). Keep track as the holidays pass. The first person to get a winning Bingo row calls the others and we celebrate. By taking the focus off the Circus and onto the game, it helps the players to avoid being hooked by the obnoxious comments that tempt you to "defend" what never needs defending - your life choices. [If you break a law, you might need to defend your choices to a jury of your peers, but otherwise - no.]
If you can chuck all those monkeys, peace of mind is a cinch. Call me for a training session on who owns the Circus. www.soaringdragon.biz
