Is it Love Or Just Image?
I need to say something about the prevailing ideology that says that a "real gift" is some object that was chosen and wrapped. It's supposed to be special. The person really put effort into it, they really thought about it. Which means that: They Really Love You.
Not like those pseudo-loved ones who just gave you a gift card. [Sometimes this same insult is launched at folks who get you a sweater or other "I don't know what the hell you really want in your life right now because Hawaii for a week is too expensive and you don't tell me anything else" generic gift.]
If you don't think about it analytically and just keep it all in the (emotions) limbic system, yes, indeed, that makes 100% perfect sense. After all, a specific object was picked out, at a brick and mortar or online. It was chosen. Presumably while visions of the love between you danced in the buyer's brain.
Let me tell you what happened when I got out my ubiquitous pad of paper and did Pros and Cons, in the focused way that I describe in 101 Stress Buster for Energy, Joy and Healthy Longevity.
https://www.amazon.com/Busters-Healthy-Longevity-Through-Barriers-ebook/dp/B01MZ4HNRZ
https://www.amazon.com/Busters-Healthy-Longevity-Through-Barriers-ebook/dp/B01MZ4HNRZ
A physical object for someone that you know at a really deep level, because they have deep and important conversations with you, and they give you 100% accurate feedback on any previous gifts: Yes, you are likely to hit the bulls-eye and match their loves of the moment, or what matters to them at a deep level long-term.
And how many human beings do you really know that well? Who tell you the 100% honest (negative) truth about your previous loving impulses?
Did I tell my sister that I look ghastly in orange? Nope. I love her and miss her so much (she lives 9000 miles away) so even before she got her terminal-cancer diagnosis, I wore the blouse a lot because it made me feel close to her. And who cares if the colors are wrong, because when I'm happy, my face glows. Did I tell my best friend that she has never, ever gotten me anything I could love and would she stop gifting? Well, the latter part, because I am encouraging us all to stop shopping and start beefing up our retirement accounts, finance more education for ourselves, and etc. But the former? Nope.
Americans are hurt by truth around gifting. It's not in our culture. So I smile, accept the love that was the true gift, and find a good person who really needs and would love the physical object. Physical objects don't matter. LOVE IS WHAT MATTERS. The physical object is just the carrying case.
What gifts do I truly love? [Hubby, too.] Gift cards. Yes. The ability to get something that I REALLY love, that I haven't told anyone about because how often does "I really wish I could afford the 1st season of XXX" come up in conversation? I don't talk about my secret desires. Neither do you.
And we all have our peculiarities. If I love something, you can send me dozens of examples (stuffed animals, for example) and as long as I still love it, I love it. But my other sister finally told me to quit with the cookbooks - bless her. Because I was finding all kinds of cool ones. For someone who really isn't crazy to try all those recipes. Which I should have known. Maybe. But for nearly all of us, the things that we love tend to be very specific. Natural stuffed animals, not "cutesy" ones. I love nature and animals, real animals, so I love natural stuffed animals. Would someone who doesn't live next door know that, no matter how deeply loved? Well, I can't remember EVER saying that to anyone, and I've, in deep meditation, gone back YEARS.
So here's my suggestion: Give up the image of love and generosity that buying "things" conveys. Give real love. Write a long, heartfelt letter and save the "thing" postage. Enclose a gift card to somewhere you know s/he shops and let them get that silly secret desire that they would not otherwise convince themselves that they "deserve" - because they have retirement, college and property taxes that come ahead in the queue for spending.
Research says that even $10 off allows us to "feel" that it's logical to buy a thing. And a $10 gift card is just that little "It's OK" message that can push your loved one to plunge for that thing that you would never, ever have imagined they love. I won't tell you some of the secret desires of my soul that even my husband doesn't know about..... He doesn't need to. His loving gift is "Go ahead." I decide what I really, really desire, and get it. And hide it. Until Solstice eve.
Whether you choose "things" or just love or a gift card, do please meditate on the judgment that one is better than another, or that one conveys more love than another (including the always-pernicious "how much did it cost?" calculation). How much someone loves you is a summation of actions and thoughtful words over 365 days, not a conclusion based on one action, the full ramifications of which you do NOT know, no matter how much you think you know about them and their situation.
And re-gifting? Again, there is ego [I spent X $ and XX amount of time choosing it just for them and they don't value it, so they don't value me]. The 2nd half of that does not follow from the first! The fact that I look hideous in orange doesn't mean that I don't love my sister nor does it mean that she doesn't love me. It was a gift from her closet (she's a lovely lady with different colors) and her heart, emphasis on the latter. My mother took every appliance my sister gave her, and gave it away. Sis got mad. But mom didn't want stuff. She enjoyed helping others. So mom used the gifts to get the warm fuzzies she craved and a kitchen devoid of "unnecessary" appliances. She considered a clothes washes unnecessary, just to give you a hint.
If you are counting the time and money, then the gift isn't about love, it's about payback. If you're not giving and letting go of the outcome, then don't, for heaven's sake, give anyone anything - ever! If you aren't OK with letting the recipient decide what to do with it, it's not a gift, it's an attempt to control.
So - here's my thought. I think that if you know people who need and want X, if you get an X and don't want/need the physical object, and you give it to those who will be filled with joy to receive it..... Aren't you spreading love and reducing suffering in the world? Isn't the person who gifted you, not only giving YOU love but also helping others? is there any faith or wisdom tradition on Earth that does not have a sentence in their canon about feeding the hungry and housing the homeless and other acts of sharing? I've got two grad degrees, so I have combed the lit on this one. There really isn't one.
So spend hours picking out specific gifts, if that is your idea of having fun - but if you are gunny-sacking obligation along with the physical object, then leave it on the shelf. Give whatever you want to give, without strings attached and feel your heart be at peace. The love was conveyed and the moment will always be treasured, as love should always be treasured. Hand it over and let it soar as the recipient wills, to their closet, to their holiday-for-the homeless bag or to the neighbor who really, really needs it.
Give it some meditation and see what you think....
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